Living Dual Lives

Mothers Jane and Lorraine over at First Mother Forum have a most excellent post today regarding the dual lives lived by mothers like me, them and possibly even you. I encourage you to read it. Link and abstract below.

Natural Mothers Dual Lives
Yet the truth is, all of us who lost a child to adoption also have a separate life inside adoption. For many of us it was for years a secret life, existing only in our memories and imagination. Eventually the secret became impatient to be free and we reunited with our lost child and introduced her to our families.” – First Mother Forum

The post reminded me of my own duality. It has decreased since I found my daughter. It has also been helped by the fact I divorced a man that was ashamed of me and married one that openly claimed me. Acceptance is an incredible healing aid.

Pondering the FMF post and my own life lead me to thoughts about this blog. My daughter has only been here once, maybe twice, that I know of. Early in reunion she told me she stopped by and it “made her puke”. In those days I used to check stats regularly hoping I would see her here. While I saw her adoptive parents a few times, I never saw her. That may be a good thing or a bad thing.

This blog is the only “public” exposure my daughter may have to me since she has no desire to know me. I will admit it concerns me that she may have formed a one sided view of me. As mentioned in Jane and Lorraine post, adoption trauma, activism, is indeed a large part of me. However, it is not all of me.

This blog may give her, and others, the impression I am a basket case clutching a snot rag and grasping for walls.

I am not.

I am so much more.

I wish she could know that.

1 Thought.

  1. ((((((((Suz))))))))),

    I hear you and feel similarly about my life as an adoptee. The first time I spent time alone with one of my brothers we spoke about a few things and he snidely said, “Have you always worn your adoption badge so prominently?” When I answered that I didn’t think I had, he quipped, “so you just shined it up recently.” He could not see all of me either.

    I can not speak for your daughter. I only share as a person who was so reluctant about reunion…..it was never about lack of desire. It was about fear, paralyzing fear. 🙁

    Christine

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