Reunion Truth

I get it yet I don’t.

I suppose I do not because the individual impacted is someone I care about. I get it because given what I know of the situation the past many years, it sort of makes sense. Things that were odd or confusing or just plain goofy now seem to fall in line. There is an “aha” moment of sorts.

Yet I am still angered on behalf of my friend. It feels like a betrayal.

Friend was reunited with birth parent many years ago. While things have been odd at times, there was regular connections, visits a few times a year, and texting now and then. Early in the relationship it was made clear to my friend that friend was birth parent only child.

Clarity lost.

A few days ago friend received a message from an individual indicating they believed they were half sibling to my friend. This internet stranger had much info to validate this. Also adopted, close in age, same network of agencies used.

No longer is friend the only child of the birthparent. There is now not only one – but two – half siblings that were surrendered post my friends’ adoption surrender.

What the?

I could easily get all “judgy” here on the birth parent. I won’t. What I will do is question what obligation birth parents have to tell reunited child that they have other siblings also placed for adoption.

My friend has non certified OBC from birth state. There are no other live births noted on the certificate. Friend was the first. Had friend been second or third child friend might have had a clue as there might have been a reference to other children.

In this case, reunited birthparent bore and surrendered additional children but opted not to tell first born and surrendered child about their half siblings. More than opting not to tell, birth parent said quite the opposite.

Friend could have ended up dating a half sibling. Friend still might as the other sibling is still missing.

I am flummoxed.

Maybe I am being a bit “judgy” too.

 

6 Thoughts.

  1. She gave away all her children.

    That’s what I take from it. ITA, no need to get judgy but by any standard, it is unusual, unless she had some type of condition that made it impossible for her to parent.

    It reminds me of the family that put their kids up for sale. Not that the situation is the same on the relinquishment side, but in the sense of the profound feelings of loss, betrayal, and worthlessness the kids were left with. In the example I’m thinking of, it was very important for the siblings to find each other, and in the end they made a family that way. Maybe in this case that will happen too. Of course, the for-sale kids didn’t have to deal with he secrecy. It was all out in the open. Hard to say which is more soul-crushing. Some people’s behaviour defies explanation.

  2. I’m feeling a bit judgy… not that she gave up another child but that she wasn’t honest about it. Perhaps she felt her found daughter would be judgy and didn’t want to take that risk in the event the other sibling never showed up. But still… continuing to lie by omission is never a good thing, in my book.

    • Totally agree, she was being lied to AGAIN. Don’t care about the situation but the lies have to stop. I asked my bmother if she hadd any others that she gave away. she said no but the little seed of distrust is there. On a rational level I don’t beleive she did but you never know.

  3. Hard to comment without knowing the facts. My first reaction – the explanation is S H A M E. Perhaps so much it (or fear) caused her to lie. Should the adoptee tell mom what he or she knows? I kind of think yes because if not it is another truth being hidden.

  4. It’s hard not to judge, since IMHO reunion is a time for everyone to get honest, i.e., no more secrets. No, we don’t know all the facts, but agree with Marianne: it’s got to be about shame. Especially since the mother relinquished multiple children. I know women who have and it used to blow me away, probably because I became so hyper-vigilant after one. I also feel that your friend should tell her mother what she knows and try to get the whole truth.

  5. Pingback: Adoption Reunion Honesty | Adoption News

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