I strongly encourage all readers of my blog to read this old post on Adoptive Voices by first mother Jane Ritter. I get this almost completely. I am frankly still struggling with it. My daughter is not who I was promised she would be. I do not know who she is but I do know who she is not and that is something I am still reconciling.
I was told adoption was going to make a better child, a happy child, someone better than I could raise. I was lead to believe she would be warm and friendly and super extra normal and happy and shiny because adoption was THAT good for her and I was THAT bad.
Again, I do not know who she is, but she is not the person I was told she would be. It is hard for me to fully reconcile this when I am not allowed to know the person that is. So I sit between two chairs. One filled with a black void and the other filled with floating ghostly fragments of the person I thought she would be.