I did not write much. I submitted a few contributions, read the posts of others and commented when a piece resonated with me. Most of all, I enjoyed reading the prompts. Odd, I suppose, to sign up for a course that expected you to write about your grief and all you do is read the writing prompts. One might suggest I wasted my time or money taking Megan Devine’s Writing Your Grief course. They would be wrong. I may not have been writing but I was certainly ruminating. Her course and her prompts stirred things inside me even if those things never made it to my keyboard.
I realized, again, that I am at where I am at with my grief. It has not been better or worse for several years now. I am not currently expecting it to change nor am I actively working toward a change. It is what it is, as trite as that phrase may be. I am okay with it…just being there. This may be where I stay, at least for now. It may change if my daughter ever decides to meet me. It may not. Time will tell.
I found Megan and her course via Tim Lawrence incredible post Everything Doesn’t Happen for a Reason. The course description (and Megan’s blog and personal story) intrigued me so I signed up. I did so early on with the expectation that it was going to help me grieve more, have some incredible epiphany and improve my life. It did none of those things and yet this is not for lack of trying.
Each block in the tower of grief is a different painful aspect of my adoption surrender and lack of reunion experience. Over the years, through this blog and other avenues, I have taken one piece out here or there. Every so lightly I reach into my wounded soul and pull out a piece of my pain. I observe it, turn it over and under, and feel the texture of the block of pain. There are times I share the extracted block with others and other times I quickly dispose of it off the table of my life. With each removed block, the tower of grief is less powerful and wobbles a bit however the foundation is still there and will always be there. If the emotional Jenga tower should fully topple, the foundation will still be secure on the surface of my soul. I am oddly okay with that. It is not going away.
To learn more about Megan Devines Writing Your Grief course, visit her site – Refuge in Grief.