Educating Reporters

An hour into a rather tedious interview with a reporter…

Reporter: So, I am not sure I understand. If your daughter had a good life, is fine (or happy or whatever one says with being adopted), why won’t she meet you.

Me: You would have to ask her that question. I cannot speak for her.

Reporter: Surely you must have some idea?

Me: Surely I do but again you are asking me to speak for her. I cannot. If you asked me why I won’t meet her (if that was the case) it might be a different answer.

Reporter: Uh. Um. Okay. Well did you do something to her?

Me: Do?

Reporter: Yeah, like offend her, upset her, or something.

Me: Again, you would have to ask her.

Reporter:  Surely you know if you did something offensive.

Me: Well I did leave her with strangers at 3 days old.

Reporter: But … she had a good life…a better life.

Me: Did she?  We don’t know that. All she knows is I left her with strangers.

Reporter: I am struggling to understand.

Me: That is obvious.  Let me put it this way.  I believe her sanity requires denial of my existence. She is not adopted. I do not exist.  She has no need to know me or her origins. My sanity requires that all acknowledge she does exist. She is real. She is alive. She is my daughter.  I love her. Hard to have a relationship between two people when only one of us exists in the mind of the other.

Reporter: Uh. I don’t know what to say.

Me: Nor do I.

( I don’t think I will be used for the piece the reporter was investigating. I am good with that. )

11 Thoughts.

  1. So tired of the media’s canned adoption scripts. Come on, guys, exercise a few brain cells, listen, think!

    Seriously, how did you stand it?

    • This guy was extra special. I do not know why I bothered to talk as long as I did. I was def not nice. Honest but not nice. He clearly had rehearsed all my answers in advance and when I failed to respond as he planned he was at a loss.

  2. “I believe her sanity requires denial of my existence. She is not adopted. I do not exist. She has no need to know me or her origins. My sanity requires that all acknowledge she does exist. She is real. She is alive. She is my daughter. I love her. Hard to have a relationship between two people when only one of us exists in the mind of the other.”
    Wow! This is so profound. Now I get it.

    • Thank you Eva. I have no idea if this is accurate. It is my working assumption based on the little interaction I had with her close to ten years ago.

      • It can’t be a coincidence that my experience with my son in our short lived reunion brings me to the same conclusion that you expressed. I knew that he was trying to make me disappear by his total lack of engagement. He threw a few crumbs my way and I scrambled to pick them up. His total indifference drove me crazy. He finally ended it. I don’t believe he was trying to be malicious – it was a matter of self preservation for him. He had to re-assert his identity with his adoptive family because to do so other wise would have been too painful. You are so good with words – this one paragraph has put everything into perspective for me. Thank you and please don’t ever stop writing.

        • Thank you for the compliments Eva.

          What you share is what I want to believe true. I cannot, do not want, to live in a world where mothers and their children can be so intentionally cruel to each other. The things I see my friends do, live, endure from the other member to their reunion are so heartbreaking. I have to believe it is self preservation – for to truly tackle the truth, damage, trauma of adoptions requires much emotional strength in all parties. I rarely see it. Even when I think I do, I later see a friend that I respect do something really cruel to mother or child and I am so saddened.

          • A very wise person once said: Perfect maturity is when someone hurts you and you don’t hurt them back. I try to live by that motto, although I know that perfection is something that I will never achieve (who can?). I like to believe that I had his best interest at heart when I relinquished him, and so, must continue to put him first. It’s a struggle to deal with my wounded ego sometimes but there’s this crazy thing called “hope”. Hope is what I draw my strength from. Hope and patience.

    • I know you do. When I found your blog about a year ago I read every entry from the very beginning. You’ve been an inspiration to me ever since. I still live in a world of secrets and it’s great to find a kindred spirit,
      {{{{hugs}}}}

  3. You went off the standard pro-adoption message.

    People really don’t want to acknowledge that for every set of arms into which an adopted child is placed there is another set of empty arms and an aching heart.

    But you are not alone in those sentiments these days. I don’t think this reporter did his homework including reading a few posts on your blog.

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