I had an incredibly lucid dream last night about my daughter’s paternal grandfather. He was in the dream and in the dream I was telling him about his first born granddaughter, the child I had with his oldest son, a child he does not know exists. Said grandfather has at least three other granddaughters (my daughters half sibs on her fathers side). It was an emotional and rather sad dream. It is at least eight waking hours later and I still feel the way I felt in the dream.
I am always amazed how powerful and vivid my adoption trauma dreams are. I have had many things happen in my life, many people cross my path, many good events, several negative and many somewhere in between. I do not always remember my dreams but when I do, and they are this vivid, they are almost always adoption related.
I have carried guilt (likely misplaced, at least in part) about my daughter’s father’s parents for years. I feel responsible for their lack of knowledge, lack of awareness in the events that took place in 1986. Their son gave up the family rights to their first born child and my mother helped him do it. Unlike my parents, they were not even given the chance to judge and reject us (or by that token, accept us).
His mother liked me. I liked her. His father, well, he was a rather stoic sort, never really spoke much, seemed to tolerate me. Daughter’s father’s parents were divorced and bdad was raised largely in his fathers home. When we spent time together it was usually at the male dominated residence comprised of one father, two sons and a grandmother (who was usually in her room or off at a church related event). I was around his father far more frequently than I was his mother yet I barely knew him. He was a rather introverted stoic sort. I always felt he was not quite sure what to make of me, this female creature that so loved his oldest son and hung around his house, making out with his son on an orange plaid couch in the basement TV room (with said makeup session caught by father as he walked past the door to change laundry). I have clear memories of sitting at his dinner table, eating with him and his sons. They did not speak. Rather they sat and chewed food while I observed them all.
Why would I dream of him?
Do you believe dreams have meanings? My therapist used to love my dreams. Wrote them down, tended to try and find some sort of meaning in them. I tend to go with the usual explanation that they are events in our everyday lives getting twisted. Stress will cause different types of dreams for me, as well as medication. Not sure where this one is coming from or why I woke with such a strong urge to contact my daughters biological grandfather.
I won’t of course. I will however spend too much time trying to figure out what my mind is telling me – adoption related or not.