This song, this band, this album was released shortly after reunion. For some reason, it slayed me. Maybe I read into the words. Maybe it was just timing. Maybe some part of my soul looked forward to once again being in the presence of her body. Maybe I wanted to follow her into the dark. Maybe, as it is often said, I was in love with her in early reunion. I have read somewhere that early reunion is like a love affair, with both parties often feeling rushes of emotion often felt in new love or infatuation. Despite the fact she had no such feelings toward me, quite the contrary in fact, the idea intrigues me as I had the same one sided relationship with her father. It is interesting for me, in some weird cosmic way, that as I felt out of love with him, my feelings for her were also less intense. I still want to know her, still think of her, still care for her, but that all consuming “I think I am going to die if I don’t hear from her” feeling has long since passed.
I can now listen to Death Cab without feeling anxious. The same does not yet hold true for Dashboard Confessional. Still working on that one.
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Missy Higgins, Where I Stood, is my latest adoption music related contribution. When you listen to it, do it twice.
Listen first from the frame of mind of a woman who has lost the love of her life to another woman. This framing reminds me of my daughters father, a man I was madly in love with more than half my life.
Second listening, frame it from the perspective of a first mother thinking of the adoptive mother standing where the first mom stood.
Either one works.
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In the spirit of Christmas Eve let me share a holiday song that reminds me of my daughter and reunion. There is a long story behind this song. There is also a short story. The short story is that the first holiday I was permitted to mail my daughter a holiday gift (it was right after I found her and she was in college) I “made” wrapping paper out of brown paper. I wrote the lyrics to this song across this big sheet of brown construction paper, in script, with a black sharpie and then I wrapped all her gifts in the paper. It was very rustic, very Little House on the Prairie at Christmas. Makes me smile remembering the joy I experienced in doing so.
Oh, the effort I used to put into gifts for her when I was allowed to send them to her…
Trans Siberian Orchestra – An Angel Came Down
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