Adoption trauma, the associated disenfranchised grief, penetrated many aspects of my life. My first marriage is an example. I married for the wrong reasons, in the wrong state of mind, with a tremendous amount of unresolved feelings towards my daughters father.
When I became aware of the depth, I attempted to work them through with my first husband but the issues grafted themselves onto other issues in our marriage and it was too much for us to get passed.
This song, by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, rang in my head for years during my marriage. The line “I got arms to hold me every night but I am still sleeping with a ghost” is most powerful for me.
I slept with the ghost of my daughters father for over 20 years. My first husband did too. Only he was not aware until the end of our marriage, far too late for us to arrange for the emotional equivalent of Ed and Lorraine Warren. This ghost wouldl not be banished until our marriage ended and I continued my own therapy (and met a man that could accept — and love — all of me, not just the parts that made him comfortable).
If you don’t know Grace Potter, I def recommend you look up her other tunes.
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