Helping a First Father

Recently made contact with a first father who had registered with ehbabes.com.  His first child, the adoptee (now an adult),  also contacted me and I connected them through email. While I was doing that the adoptee found her father on her own and contacted him. He has responded indicating he would like to know her and there is dead air. She reached out to him, he responds, she retreats. It has been some a few days and he is on pins and needles and wanting to write her again, worried he went to her spam, afraid she is upset, wont write back and more.

Those of us living this for years know this all to well. We also know while he is feeling frenetic and anxious and wanting to do something or make contact, the cards are not his to play.  He seems like a really wonderful man. Would you consider offering him your support, encouragement or wisdom? This is all very new to him. It might help him to hear from others how they handled this. By this I mean contact, pullback, early reunion anxiety, and the like.  If you are a first dad yourself, even better. (Whatever happened to my Dad readers? Miss haring from you guys.)

Leave your comments below and I will direct him here to read.

Thank you.

2 Thoughts.

  1. First Father, thank you for stepping up and wanting to find and know your child. In my experience that is rare. Please know that this is very emotional stuff, especially for those who are found and not prepared via search, the years that it often takes. Early enthusiasm often results in a need to pull back and reflect. Or to process fears that reunion often brings. Be patient. My son and I rushed into reunion and it was glorious for a while, then we encountered all sorts of problems. In retrospect, I think if we had taken things slower, our relationship would have been better (although it is now, after 17 years of push and pull). This is a process. Let your daughter lead. It will be worth the wait. All my best to you…

  2. I’m going to try to be as objective as possible, but it bears mentioning I am 6 months post reunion rejection (the dreaded dead air) by my daughter (25), after 5 years of reunion.

    If there is one thing I’ve learned about adoption reunion it is to erase all expectations and try to prepare for everything, anything and nothing (impossible, right!?). If you get the opportunity to meet, your biological child will be instantly known and simultaneously unknown to you. It is by far the most emotionally confusing relationship I’ve participated in, full of amazing highs and side-swiping lows. It will be equally challenging for her. Even with the wonder of nature connecting you, her nurturing was out of your control – and that a huge component you both have to come to terms with.

    Another thing I’ve learned is to forgive myself for not understanding all of these complexities when I was 19 and pregnant. Give yourself just as much understanding and support as she needs from you, while you travel through these days, no matter what they bring.

    As Denise mentions, I gave my daughter the lead and I am thankful I did that. I tried my level-best to be as considerate, thoughtful and understanding as possible. Regardless of my unfortunate outcome, I have no regrets about the way I conducted myself or handled our reunion. That has given me solace. Who knows what the future brings, but for now I have found it best to leave expectations out of the equation.

    I do hope you eventually are able to have a meaningful relationship with her, my wish for all of us.

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