Confirm, Ignore, Not Now, Explain

I feel the need to explain my Facebook policy.  This explanation is prompted by a flurry of friend requests I have recently received (and ignored or said that polite “not now” to). The friend request came from other adoption torched individuals (I know this because the possible new friend has friends in common with me..adoption friends).

I am selective in my friending.  I typical have to know you IRL or for a long time.  I do not accept requests merely because Facebook told you I looked interesting or we had a friend in common,  we shopped at the same stores or shared the same bra size. If I don’t know you, by name, by blog, for a period of time, I ignore.

The reason for this is two-fold.  My Facebook is far more personal. While I still filter my offerings, I do share photos of my children, talk more about my day-to-day (read: boring) life.  As a direct result, I have greater security concerns.  My security concerns grew out of my own stupidity. I once trusted the wrong people. Shared too much information with others. Learned that some people do not believe what I believe, or behave the way I would behave. Certain experiences caused me to look seriously at my online presence and be more selective. They may have also contributed to someone stalking my daughter and harassing her.

I realize it is possible that the few people I do have on my Facebook that I don’t know very well could turn out to be like some of the others. This is a risk I take, we all take, with being on the internet. For now, I try to do my best, or at the very least I do better.

All that being said, if I do know you, have known you (some people are known to me only by their blog or their online pseudonym), please do send a message when you send that friend request.  If I don’t recognize you, you are ignored.

It is nothing personal since hey, I don’t even know you, so how could it be?

8 Thoughts.

  1. Understand completely. I got used to my blog being wide open. Now rethinking my FB strategy. As in a great number of friends isn’t necessarily a good thing.

    • I honestly dont understand the point, so to speak, of all those facebok friends. It feels creepy and unwise to me..at least the way I use facebook. If it was truly a marketing page (say like your book page or my ehbabes.com) that is different. I will admit to liking the lists feature they now have and I have made good use of them.

  2. I’ve learned the hard way not to accept friendships from people who only know me from my adoption involvement. In addition to the security issues, have a pet peeve and am always shocked when someone who has asked to friend me apparantly because they feel we share an interest in adoption support or activisim, then feel they have the right to come to my page and argue or debate with me when I share my personal viewpoints on issues I find interesting or meaningful; mostly political. I’ve discussed this with friends who feel the same and wonder if we shouldn’t even be putting our opinions out there about the upcoming election,as an example or just unfriend people who become arguementative and become just rude.

    I’ve tried it both ways ….politely writing privately and telling these individuals who feel they can now comment on anything I post with their different opinion that I’d like to agree to disagree and keep debates off my page to publicly asking them to please respect that what people choose to share on their own page about their own beliefs, experiences, etc. is not up for debate. Sadly, I’ve had to defriend people for what I honestly think is just plain rudeness. I feel if they’re on my page, they should consider it as if they have been invited into my living room and one doesn’t go into someone’s living room and argue that individuals beliefs ….unless they have earned the right by being a close friend and confidante.

    I know this is a tad bit unrelated to what you are referring to, but it’s stirred up my indignation at the rudeness of some people who think because they know you or even of you from some tiny shared facet of our lives, that they have the right to debate opinions of mine that they disagree with. Facebook has created a whole new myriad of etiquette dilemnas…

    • You likely note I rarely post political stuff. No need. I know my position and how I will vote. Your position is not going to change mine nor do I have an overwhelming need to convert you.

      Similar goes for sharing adoption related. I do tend to share/friend only like minded individuals. I am not going to spend my time debating the value (or not) of adoption with pro adoption people. that precious time could be spent doing something acitonable, helping a mom, etc. as opposed to arguing with people. I have no patience for it. While we all bicker about it, more babies lose their mamas.

  3. You’re probably much wiser than me about your choice not to post political stuff and I go back and forth as to whether I should take the same stance.

    But then I feel that why shouldn’t I share on my own page what I feel impassioned about…and politics happen to be important to me at this point in my life? I’m really not looking to change anyone’s mind and wouldn’t think of going to someone’s page who doesn’t share my views to try to change theirs. That’s what I object to. A thoughtful comment that presents a different point of view is ok, but it’s the snarky stuff that I find offensive.

    But I think you’re absolutely correct Suz and I created my own monster in some cases If I hadn’t “friended” so many people that I didn’t know just because they were involved in adoption or were friends of friends and stuck to only like-minded folks…I wouldn’t have had so many of these uncomfortable and icky arguments. So it’s a Catch 22 and I understand that.

    As far as adoption – I feel exactly the same and do not and will never welcome pro-adoption folks into my life in any capacity. Even after 40+ years, that topic is still too painful and raw for me to have to listen to anyone who sings the praises of adoption.

    • Where my approach can get a bit sticky is in the DEGREES of family preservation and adoption reform. I am regularly chastised by members of the family preservation and adoption reform communities because I fraternize with adoptive parents, am not hard core anti-adoption enough (to suit someones liking), etc. I find it more difficult to be criticised by “my own kind’ than I do by the pro-adoption community. Even in those debates, I prefer not to engage. Again, my personal focus is on what we can do to stop the supply, stop the mothers from becoming prey to the baby hungry. That is not to say those other efforts (language, OBC, etc.) are not valuable or needed. Rather it is for me to admit I cannot be all things to all people and I choose to my energy into one area of the landscape, fight on one front versus all.

  4. I agree with every word you say here… I am not very popular with the total anti-adoption crowd or language police, either…LOL But I do my best to make a difference where I can and feel the most motivated to do so. Mostly for me it’s in the area of support and search angel help…

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