Found it slightly disturbing that readers of the last post felt the “she” I talked about was my daughter. Denise was confused and in discussing with my husband I learned he also thought I was referring to my daughter. My response to my husband was “there are other she’s in my life besides my daughter, ya know?” I was being a bit sarcastic, maybe even a bit bitchy, as the confusion irritated me. Obviously, as stated, I was not talking about my daughter but rather a female friend with some rather strong views on humans who procreate. Friend does not read here, not even sure if she is aware of this blog, but none the less I was intentionally vague and readers interpreted the she as my daughter.
Additionally, I was fearful (egads, how I hate that I get fearful, that I give her that power) once again I would have pissed off my daughter. Silly, I know, for this entire blog, my existence on the planet, my position on adoption, pisses her off so one might easily think I am used to the risk and go about my merry ways.
Fact is, I am not and cannot.
I suppose, no, I know, I still hold onto a shred of hope that somehow, something I do, say, or am, will make a difference. Someday I will matter. If I am a good little invisible birth mother, maybe someday I will get to meet her. Accepting that belief that I have some sort of power to influence positively (if I am a good little birth mother) naturally suggests I have the power to influence negatively (like following on twitter, reading her blog, viewing her instagram photos, all very bad things according to her).
I sincerely despise that I have this paranoia, this hope, and these silly beliefs. I am working on them. I must however note that I was comforted to find that Susie understood my point. It was very validating. Thank you Susie for sharing you also drank the perfection kool-aid and may have had some incorrect thoughts about your son, his abilities, etc as a result.
I have more to say on this perfection thread but for now, just a thank you to Susie.