Thank You..Birthmother…Woman

Thank you “birth mother”…”woman”…

Ugh.

What not to say to me. I sincerely pray that my daughter never thanks me. I have talked about this before but have to mention again, that for me, being thanked by an adoptive parent or my surrendered child is tremendously offensive. Not meaning to pick apart Kristen’s gratitude just noting that it triggered me and my feelings on all this adoption thankfulness not to mention the dehumanizing of surrendering mothers.

Thankfully, (ha!) to date, my daughter has never ventured near those appreciative waters. For that I am thankful. She has also not called me a birth mother…woman. I am Suz to her. I find that more appealing than birth mother/woman as Kristen alludes to in the video below.

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13 Thoughts.

  1. Well, I have mixed feelings on this. On one hand, it is acknowledgement and if the gratefulness was at being given life and as opposed to being given to someone else, I might think it was appropriate.

    Overall, this clip grosses me out. Rich lesbians that need a baby factory so they can have “a life”….An adoptee who had “the greatest parents in the world” but also has depression etc. She wants to meet her mother just for health reasons? I didn’t think she was being completely honest. Maybe I’m reading into it but she feels like she didn’t fit into her family, has depression and is curious about her natural mother but is afraid of offending her adoptive parents so much that she wants them to tag along so they could supervise and make sure it was just a business meeting to discuss health? This is purely vomit inducing. I could rant….but I wont.

    I don’t think I’m strong enough yet to meet my daughter WITH the birthparents that betrayed me. Give me some time on this and maybe I’ll grow. They sure as hell didn’t want me in their picture, why should I have them forced down my throat? Ok, yes,”it’s” still there, even though I thought I was over it.

    • Darla – FWIW (not much), I got the same impression but tend to shy from analyzing others too much – particularly adoptees. I realize everyone groups us all together (all birth mothers are a like, all adoptees think alike) and many have adapted to the hive mentality. I try to avoid. But in full disclosure, I got a similar impression from her.

    • “and if the gratefulness was at being given life”

      Adoptees are NOT walking abortions, and being told that you should be grateful that your mother decided to birth you implies we are.

      • Mei-Ling :
        “and if the gratefulness was at being given life”
        Adoptees are NOT walking abortions, and being told that you should be grateful that your mother decided to birth you implies we are.

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        You are very right about adoptees not being walking abortions, However, I am grateful to my mother for giving me life and I am not an adoptee. I am sorry that this statement made you feel this way but it was certainly not what was meant. To go further: I had no intention of having an abortion nor giving my child up for adoption. I was in my mid 20’s and being dangerously stalked. At the time no stalker laws were in place and my decision to place her was because I felt we were both in danger. I kept her for 3 weeks hoping for a miracle but nothing changed. I decided on an open adoption since I didn’t want to part with her in the first place and was never allowed to see her after the papers were signed. In fact, they kept moving farther away and outright denied my requests to visit her.

        I may know how you feel, my mother had me when she was 16 and I always felt like the accidental girl, as if my life had been hanging by a tiny thread because my grandparents had wanted my mother to have an abortion but she refused. I came to realize that I came to earth just like every other baby, but this knowledge prohibits me from ever having an abortion. I deserved to live, just like every baby ever conceived. Would I still be thankful to my mother if she hadn’t been 16? Yes. I am I thankful she chose to give me life? Yes, she was brave. Why should I not be thankful that she was able to fight off authority at age 16 which lead to my very existence? This does not say that I think of myself as a walking abortion. ((( Hugs )))

          • Mei-Ling :
            “However, I am grateful to my mother for giving me life and I am not an adoptee.”
            Well, there is the difference.

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            You’re in fact responding to my pain about watching someone thank their mother for giving them away. Like many mothers, I did not want to part with my child. I would rather be thanked for being the person who gave birth to her. This does not mean in any way that I want her to thank me for not having an abortion which never crossed my mind.

            Are you saying that you think my view would be different if I was an adoptee? Why? I was born to a mother who’s wealthy parents actually tried to force her into an abortion. She chose life. That certainly doesn’t make me a walking abortion. My existence was probably no more or less precarious than yours. That being said, if I was born to mature, happily married parents, I would still be grateful to my mother for giving me life. I know what I meant when I wrote it and it certainly isn’t the way you are perceiving it. I have spent every day of the last 18 years thinking about the day I would get to have my daughter in my life, even in some paltry way.

  2. I’m thinking I prefer ” The Goddess from which I came.” to “Birth Mother.” I’m having one of those days. Today I know that I am really that effing special and to minimize me to the child whom I borne into existence as a mere breeding animal is not acceptable.

    Think about it, the title itself defies minimization. Feel free to delete.

    • No worries. Sending you a hug. Nearly every mother I know has been where you are today. Adoption thrives, depends on, dehumanzing us. Read up on the term birth mother and you will understand. Breeder is often what is made by many who practice and profit from the trafficking of children. Sadly, it is too often all our children are taught, and they pick up the baton. Feel free to write me if you need to chat. Hugs.

      • “The Goddess from which I came” I love it, am so stealing it. I think I may change it a bit, the Goddess from whom I sprang fully-formed to give it a bit more of an Athena feel.

        Bon courage!

  3. I just discovered you blog today, Suz…again thank you and Darla for this post and the comments that follow. To a certain extent, the coersion and brain washing continues after we, the adoptees, are placed. We are told how we were “chosen” and “extra special” and how “grateful” we should be for be given life. We feel guilt and shame for wanting to know more like somehow this is being “ungrateful” for the life we have had.

    My adoptive parents are kind, loving people who provided me with opportunities that I have a great depth of gratitude for. They have been open with me about my adoption and have also offered to help me search, but that does not remove the sadness, the loneliness, the isolation that I have always had and deepens as I grow older.

    Adoptees may say they want to search for “medical reasons”, but we don’t. We want to know more. We want to know it all…maybe not all at once, but we want to know who we are.

    The search is scary, painful, and degrading. We face extortion to get any information (Yes, I consider it extortion and in violation of my human rights to have to pay an agency a fee to get the names of my biological parents or even the non-identifying information). The fear that I may never make contact is consuming at times.

    Kristen could have been reading a script. I have heard that exact story and may have even told it myself over the years. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, because we are raised to be grateful and chosen and special. We have been “given” the lives we have. It would be “selfish” to want more. It’s not the adoptive parents alone doing this…it is the culture and system that created and perpetuates the adoption myth.

  4. Sorry I’m on the run and didn’t watch the clip but is that Rosie O’Donnell interviewing her? That’s the blind leading the blind adoption wise! I find the thank you from adoptive parents generally very offensive. I’m not sure why that is. I think it is because they are saying thank you off on some adoption la-la land cloud and I am feeling the real pain of relinquishment here on planet earth.

    I am tempted to engage in some analyzing of Ms. C. but will refrain.

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