I agree with Jane. Her post on First Mother Forum was raw and honest and talked about how being around adoptive parents made her uncomfortable. The post generated lots of comments, many very inflammatory, some offensive, some not so much. I commented early and all I said was “I agree Jane” or something like that.
I later shared the link to that post on my twitter feed where I follow a few adoptive moms and they follow me. One of them (you know who you are) piped up to me privately that it made her sad, sad to think that she would make me uncomfortable if we were ever in the room together. I clarified to her that her situation is different. She is not THAT type of adoptive parent. You know, the type that only wanted a perfect infant, preferably a girl? The type that wants a closed adoption, wants to change names, deny the family of origin , amend birth certificates, and raise a child in that “as if born to” world and if the child is not what they imagined, they want to send it back for a refund or exchange for a better model?
Twitter friend is not one of those moms and I felt badly that my tweet and related comments made her feel bad. I do see a big difference between her situation and those like hers. I see a massive difference between adoptive parents of older children, children from foster care, children with special needs. I do not view those types of adoptive parents the way I do prospective adopters who go oversees to make sure that pesky birth mother will never show up unexpectedly.
You see the difference don’t you?
Adoptive moms on my twitter feed or on my Facebook have always shown me respect and understanding. They have never shown themselves to be selfish people who put their own baby lust above the needs of a child. They see the damange adoption does to mothers and children and in many cases, have admitted their own ignorance and how they contributed to the status quo (even when it results in them getting beat up by their own “kind” for bashing adoption) I respect that. I respect them.
The point of this post is that I wanted to apologize, again, to my friend and to clarify my position.
There is a difference. Not all babies are identical, nor are the mothers that surrender them adoption. Same is true for adoptive parents.
Contrary to what some suggested on Jane’s post, I do not see this as a racist or prejudicial. I am not judging someone for who they ARE. I am judging them for what they do and what they believe. I prefer to associate with adoptive parents that believe adoption should be about finding homes for children who truly need them versus babies for homes that cannot produce their own. I also prefer to associate with parents who don’t beat their children, don’t swear like truck drivers (though I do occasionally), don’t do drugs, drink too much, steal, or force their religion down my throat. Those types make me uncomfortable too.
Equally important to note is that being around a certain type of adoptive parents is highly triggering to me. Their belief system contributed to my surrender and loss of my child to adoption. Said a different a way, if I had been sexually assaulted (and I have been), I would be uncomfortable sitting next to someone who is a known rapist even he wasnt my rapist. Such discomfort is not rooted in his race, creed, gender, etc but his beliefs and his actions. An adoptive parent sitting next to me, one who believes in closed adoption, pesky barfmothers and the like, is against everything I believe in and more personally, what they believe hurt me deeply and forever changed the course of my life. They are also likely to continue promoting such beliefs and in the process strip more mothers of their children. As such, yeah, they make me uncomfortable.
Apologies to friend and anyone else I may have offended with that tweet and resulting linking. Clearly I should have explained myself better. It is not that adoptive parents make me uncomfortable as a collective, rather the views of some of them as individuals.
There is a difference.