Day of Surrender

Today marked the 25the anniversary of the day I surrendered my daughter officially to adoption.  If you prefer, as some do, the day I abandoned her to strangers. The day she was put onto the open market to be sold by Easter House. Without my knowledge, she went from me to a foster family on the North Shore of Lake Michigan.  At some point, I don’t know when, she was flown to NJ or picked up by her adoptive parents. I don’t know.

Today marks 25 years since I last saw my daughter, since I last felt her breath, last heard her cry, the last time I saw her shock of dark hair, the last day I counted her itty bitty fingers and teeny weeny toes, the last day I dreamed of running away with her and raising her alone, the last day society recognized me as her mother.

The last day of the of the rest of my life. My mother sat on one side of me, the agency caseworker, Colleen Rogers on my left.

Today was the day and I remember it as vividly as it was yesterday. The day the fantasies were fully implanted. The day the nightmares started, the day my heart shattered. The day I talked to her, apologized to her, and cried tears that rolled off my cheeks onto hers.

That last day.

 

12 Thoughts.

  1. I have no words, Suz… I am so so sorry. Sending you much love and warmth. ((((((Suz))))))

  2. Oh Suz, my heart is breaking for you. You have grown so much in your journey, and yet I know the memories from this day in your life feel as fresh as if they were yesterday. Mine are for me too.I think it will always be this way for many of us who experienced this trauma. Sending you warm hugs and a gentle reminder to be extra gentle and loving to yourself. Sometimes we just have to honor ourselves by feeling the pain we need to feel, and embracing that young girl in us with love.

  3. Suz just scrolling thru so many of the links each of your posts presents.
    I remember my surrender day too. Its so indescribably dreadful. For me now it’s 44 years. 44 years of raw grief and terror memory. I do have my daughter now and I do know how hugely lucky I am. Having her doesn’t take away those terrible feelings though. Thank you as always for shining a light into our own confused and deluded interiors and for educating others.

    • Thank you Katrina for reading! I also love the old links as it is refreshing/enlightening for me to read and realize how things have changed (good, bad or otherwise).

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