One of the very many topics I have avoided writing much about here is that, oh, birth father topic. I have felt loyal to him, to her, protective of them and to some extent, embarrassed and ashamed at how I handled things, how I was treated and more.
The longer my reunion goes as a non-reunion, I find my feelings of loyalty and protectiveness over my daughter and what is considered “her story” waning. I now feel capable of sharing certain aspects and believe I can do so being fully respectful of him and her. This is particularly true if I focus on MY feelings and my behavior. It is also a painful, but very true statement, that this blog may be the only channel of my life my daughter tunes into. I feel the need to be informative, yet consciously deliberate and still a tad cautious.
Not only do I feel that I am finally THERE because of some sort of personal growth or maturation process but I finally feel I have permission to go there. By permission I mean permission from my partner.
My ex husband was very threatened and disturbed at the mention of my daughters father. It was taboo. So I pushed it down. I could not discuss him with my husband and I needed to, desperately to get these feelings OUT. My darling Rich has no such concerns. He can (and has) listened to me tell the story of my daughters father over and over. He understands the deep love I had for birth dad, hes seen the photos, the pile of love letters, the poems and stories, he understands the depth of the pain that relationship caused me and most importantly, he realizes it has NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM OR OUR RELATIONSHIP. Processing, sharing, grieving over what never was does not (unless you let it) have to diminish what is. Seeing me, ALL OF ME, deepens our relationship, not weakens it.
As a result of finally having this growth, and this permission, I am going to go THERE (sort of). I am going to use this to educate others on the depth of feelings some mothers have for their children’s fathers as well as the far reaching effects that severed relationship has on future relationships (my first marriage for example). I am also using it as possible fodder for a book I have in the works.
Before I start this, I want to share a video with you. Listen to this video. Absorb Adele’s voice and take in the lyrics. When you do that, realize that I could have written that, sung it to my daughters father, a man I was deeply in love with for more than half my life, the father of my first born child, my first love, a man that I had three separate affairs with. One before our daughter was born and two afterwards, spanning more than 20 years.