Quarter of a Century Later

My daughters 25th birthday is in a week or so. 

Know what I am going to do?

Nothing.

Seriously.  I am not doing a thing.

For the past 25 years I have either:

  • Taken the day off of work.
  • Cried uncontrollably.
  • Become enraged.
  • Thrown things.
  • Hurt myself.
  • Planted trees.
  • Wrote.
  • Sent her a birthday package and danced a little jig as I exited the post office
  • Sent her birthday greetings.
  • Made donations in her name.
  • Wrote blog posts wishing her happy birthday (like this one).

This year, I feel, well, nothing. (at least not 12 days prior).

No email.

No donations.

No taking days off.

No weeping, raging, buying, crying.

Nothing.

I am rather surprised by this. 

Not sure what it means, if anything. Maybe its a good thing? Maybe it is growth? Recovery? Acceptance?

Maybe it is a bad thing?

Maybe it is, nothing?

Maybe I will change my mind in a week? 

The most notable thing is that in general, for the past 24 years, by this time, I am a wreck, already anxious, feeling blue, thoughts racing.

Today? Mmmmm. Nope. No wreckage here.

Same holds true for Mothers Day.

No emotional carnage. Just looking forward to a day with my sons and my fiance. Maybe even a morning where the three of them make me a nice lo carb breakfast and we spend time together. I would welcome a plant or two as well.

But I will plant it for me and the beaufication of our home – not in memory of her.

7 Thoughts.

  1. Duly noted on the plant or two, : )
    Hugs on the rest of your post…just hugs & kisses..

  2. I rarely look at blogs anymore but, after being directed to a post over at Chronicles, found myself here. I can see my own decades-long journey reflected in both her post and yours.

    I too have a daughter who is in her early twenties. I too did many of the things you did on her birthday. Because the adoption was “open” for a time, my list included gift giving, some birthday phone contact and, later, the mail-delivery of all of the birthday gifts I’d gathered and stored in the wake of the adoption’s closure.

    I too reached a place where doing nothing was finally okay. I believe it is a healthy place to be.

    Have a great week.

  3. As I read this I kept coming back to the Serentiy Prayer:

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    The courage to change the things I can
    And the wisdom to know the difference.

    xoxo

  4. I long for the days when I will feel normal again. This will be my 3rd mothers day living in the same neighborhood with the twins I so generously placed with monsters that parade them in front of my home and in the neighborhood park like they are farm animals, never once thinking of their mother and brother living a 1/2 block away and the feelings we have or that my children will have someday when they find out I was there the entire time, a stones throw away… for mothers day this year I bought a book for each to have called “my love will find you” and I placed in their mailbox.. praying someday she will give to them when they find out I do actually exist..

  5. I am finally okay with not mourning Mother’s Day. It was a source of pain for 25 years, before I met my son, then wonderful for a some years, and then a source of pain again when my reunion broke down. I am fortunate to have a loving step-son, and his family, who remember me every year, and a DIL who despite her divorce from my son, who along with his and her kids, will acknowledge me. But even without that, and the loss of my own mother seven years ago, I am now okay with the holiday.

    I wish all mothers everywhere a good day. Even if there is no one to honor you, or someone to honor, be good to yourself. Do something special FOR YOU.

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