My daughters 25th birthday is in a week or so.
Know what I am going to do?
Seriously. I am not doing a thing.
For the past 25 years I have either:
- Taken the day off of work.
- Cried uncontrollably.
- Become enraged.
- Thrown things.
- Hurt myself.
- Planted trees.
- Sent her a birthday package and danced a little jig as I exited the post office
- Sent her birthday greetings.
- Made donations in her name.
- Wrote blog posts wishing her happy birthday (like this one).
This year, I feel, well, nothing. (at least not 12 days prior).
No taking days off.
No weeping, raging, buying, crying.
I am rather surprised by this.
Not sure what it means, if anything. Maybe its a good thing? Maybe it is growth? Recovery? Acceptance?
Maybe it is a bad thing?
Maybe it is, nothing?
Maybe I will change my mind in a week?
The most notable thing is that in general, for the past 24 years, by this time, I am a wreck, already anxious, feeling blue, thoughts racing.
Today? Mmmmm. Nope. No wreckage here.
Same holds true for Mothers Day.
No emotional carnage. Just looking forward to a day with my sons and my fiance. Maybe even a morning where the three of them make me a nice lo carb breakfast and we spend time together. I would welcome a plant or two as well.
But I will plant it for me and the beaufication of our home – not in memory of her.