I gotta say this.
I hope that I say it with the greatest amount of tact possible. I have absolutely no desire to offend anyone for I know the referenced individuals mean well. It is not their intent that is necessarily the problem but my receiving and processing of what they say.
Let me be very direct.
I don’t like people telling me, commenting, suggesting, or sending carrier pigeons with notes that say “I know your reunion will happen”. (If you don’t understand what I mean, refer to Denise’s comment here. And again, no offense to Denise or anyone else who has ever suggested this).
I cringe every time one of you write that and suggestion my reunion will happen. I realize it might be true. I also realize it might not be true. I don’t like reading it because to me, wrongly or rightly, it feels like a platitude, or bromide, or patronizing or something well, just ucky. It makes me feel bad and it makes me angry. It makes me feel like I have something to live up to and accomplish yet I have no control or ability to meet that expectation. I feel like a failure.
No one knows for sure if my daughter will ever want to meet me and her siblings. I know that suggesting it puts pressure on me and quite possibly on her. People have been telling me that for six years. Since it has not happened, I feel like a failure — again. Someone expects something of me and it hasn’t happened. That is my perspective. From my daughters perspective, I worry what she might feel if she ever read that. I fear she would be angry and find the suggestion highly presumptive and that strangers were suggesting they know her better than she knows her self. Worse she may feel like (as Amanda talks about in her blog post) that she “owes” me something.
I cannot handle the pressure or expectation and yet even with that I do hope my friends are correct, I don’t want my daughter being upset by the suggestion. (For the record, to my knowledge, she does not read here. She made it very clear that she is not interested and my blog makes her “puke”. So, this fear is likely unfounded and irrational since she would never see it, yet knowing that it is likely unfounded does not lessen it. Ya follow?)
Am I making sense? I am a bit angst ridden about putting this out there for again, I feel my friends mean well and care for me, and I do appreciate that.
But, could I ask, for now, till I get past this latest bout of adoption reunion hysteria that we cease suggesting such things?
Am I a total ninny?