Don’t Play That Game

Remember Homey D. Clown from the Wayans show titled “In Living Color”?  Homey had a catchphrase that later became popular. The phrase was “Homey don’t play that game.”  I have no recollection of what game Homey was referring to or what was actually meant by the phrase yet it came to me this week when I encountered something strange online.

A week or so ago I was followed on twitter by someone unknown to me. Not that unusual of course, happens all the time. So often in fact, i generally don’t even pay much attention. I tend to review and weed my twitter followers on a quarterly basis and use tools like twitblock.  For some reason, this new follower’s name struck me and I decided to check him or her out.

Imagine my surprise when I discover the follower is the grown child of a mother I know from online life and adoption blog. The grown child is close to my own age and has been in reunion with mother for close to half their life. It is apparently, not going well.

Twitter follower had screens of tweets, clearly directed at mother, and let me say, they were not nice.  It was the equivalent of a tantrum, only on twitter.

Reading through the tweets made my stomach turn and my heart ache for the adult adoptee and the first mother.  The tone was so angry, so hurtful. After reading the diatribe, i could not help but wonder WHY would this person follow me?  What was the point? Adoptee clearly has major issues with mother, a woman I know, like and respect. Was the adult adoptee now turning their rage against me because I was friendly with mom, perhaps because I am one of those slutty abandoners?

I could come up with no good reason for this person to follow me. It felt really ugly to me and I grew concerned that I was being used as a pawn, or pulled into some sick psychological warfare between mother and child. At a minimum I was being targeted by a very very angry adult adoptee for reasons known only to them.

I blocked the follower and I wrote my friend and informed her of what I had seen and done. I made it very clear I do not get into triangles and as such would be blocking her angry child and will not correspond with the adoptee. My relationship is with her. I don’t even know her child (well, I do know but not in any good way). Not surprisingly, mother had no idea that this twitter feed was out there.

I cannot give more details, for I would be violating privacy and such, but I do want to make it very clear I don’t play games like this and I do my best not to step into other peoples trauma. I know other people who triangulate and get some sort of kick out of getting involved in the drama of other peoples lives. I don’t. I have a hard enough time handling my own.

It should come as no surprise that the adult adoptee appears to have since deleted their twitter stream. However, it is not gone. All readers should keep this in mind. There is a utility called snapbird that performs much like archive.org does for websites. Go to snap bird, put in a twitter name (active or not) and you will be presented with the past tweets of the indicated twitter name.

I cannot say any more without giving away identifying details of the mother.  I will reiterate, one more time, that “Homey don’t play that game”.

12 Thoughts.

  1. Suz, good for you. I have to admit though that when I began reading this I felt queazy, thinking it was my angry son who did this. It sounds like the kind of thing he would do. He once called into the Howard Stern show on a diatribe a few years ago against me and how I had abandoned him yet again. He called me a “f’ing “c” abandoner” publicly and said I lead him on and pretended to love him but wasn’t there for him when he needed me.
    He didn’t share of course that he’s an active drug addict and rageaholic who manipulatively pulls the “abandonment” card when he doesn’t get his way.

    This homey USED to play that game with him due to my guilt and I would spend hours and hours trying to convince him that my love was unconditional, but having a relationship is based on mutual respect. Anyway, I stopped playing the game under the advice of several therapists – both his and mine.

    Adoption separation and reunion is so unnatural that anything can happen.

    • CarolC – Definitely not you. (Do I even know you? I know of one Carol C in the adoption community. Wonder if it is you). However, sad to hear that you have had a similar experience to my friend. All too common. They certainly dont tell mothers those things at the time of surrender, do they? Mothers are lead to believe there children will be far better off without them. To find out that was not the case is yet another dagger in our heart. A friend and I have been talking about how the world needs to know what many mothers are told and what really happens and what they find or what finds them. Not intended to be a slam towards the children (now adults) involved but to show the world, and most importantly mothers considering surrender, what can and does happen to children surrendered to adoption. Not all of them do as well as society and social wreckers would like the world to think. Too many of them are found and as we have dubbed our projects – found lost.

  2. I wasn’t going to comment since I am not familiar with the people you are talking about, but your comment above “found lost”, yeah that was me allright. As a teenager I was not at all prepared for “reunion”, and I don’t think my mother was either.

  3. Wow! To think that this adopted person is out there perpetuating their rage, fueling the fire, and the mother is unaware that this is going on to this level.

    I have encountered this type of rage in my own reunion, and it would shock me to learn that I was the target of such a diatribe. It would devastate me, and damage an already unimaginably damaged relationship even more. How very sad and disheartening to read of this type of behaviour, but unfortunately it happens more often than not, apparently.

    I feel that it is important to be aware as a mom in reunion, that this behaviour exists, as hurtful as it is. I have found it very important to listen to my gut when navigating reunion, especially if you are picking up anger, rage, and disrespect. Pay attention; it is not your imagination. I have found it works for me to walk softly, move slowly, and take time to allow myself to feel what I am feeling, then honor those feelings. As much as possible I try to trust my gut and not rose color behaviors due to my own desire to have the relationship work , and to love unconditionally. I have been largely unsuccessful at this for five years, but each year into reunion, I am learning and letting go of my fantasies about reunion.

    My heart aches for all of us adopted persons and moms. And Suz, you are right, the adoption authorities rose color the whole expereince for everyone involved, take thier fees, pat themselves on the back, then move on to the next family, leaving those of us in the adoption to flail about with the lies and misconceptions that are perpetuated by the adoption fairy tale.

    I am convinced that the damage done to the mother and child relationship is almost irreperable unless all parties agree to extensive counseling with an intermediary to bridge the gap created by adoption.

    • I like your approach ShesComeUndone as it respects the adult adoptee and the mother. I believe we need to talk more about this, openly, candidly, painfulllly so that other mothers can learn from these expereinces – either those that are considering surrender or those that are in these really painful reunions. More to come on this topic as I want to expand on my earlier thoughts.

  4. Just read your blog for the first time at the urging of the friend who was tweeted.

    Thank you for posting this and letting my friend know. Knowing is always better than being in the dark.

    I too am a birth mom, my daughter has chosen no contact (she’s 26 now) and after hearing some of these stories of “found lost”, I have to say I’m afraid to actually meet. I don’t know her, she doesn’t know me.

    There really isn’t a ‘right’ answer for anyone.

    • HI CarolynC – Thank you for your note. Your story sounds much like mine (my daughter is 25 soon, reunion for almost six years but havent remet, talked on phone, etc. This is her choosing. Not mine. When faced like situations noted above, that my friend is in, I find myself wondering if this is what my daughter was sparing me.

      Agreed. No right answer.

  5. Suz, I am most likely the same CarolC in the adoption community you know of….I’ve been around quite a while although I periodically take breaks to preserve my sanity. Love your blog!

    • Yes, I think I know who you are Carol. We may have even met once in New York? With KarenWB and others? Regardless, thank you for your kind words on my blog. I love it too (most of the time…like you I need to take breaks now and then).

  6. Suz, yes we did meet in NYC – were you at both the 06 and this past year Crossroads conference?

    By the way – you look stunning with red hair hair!

  7. CarolC – Thank you! I love hair color. I wish I could change it daily to match my clothing. LOL. No, I did not go last year the Crossroads conference. I only went in 08.

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