Pre Conference Ramblings + Jitters

I am leaving tomorrow for three days, two nights, at this adoption conference.

Never ceases to amaze me that no matter how prepared I think I am, how detached, how “good”, how ‘okay” I think I am, I prove myself wrong.

I am weepy tonight. Anxious. I will likely not sleep well.

I am committed to going. I will likely speak very well. I will feel simultaneously exhilarated and emotionally drained following the panel. I will enjoy, immensely, seeing ThirdMom/Margie, meeting Skeeto for the first time and AdoptionTalk for the second time. I will smile. I will laugh. I will cry. I will hug friends and feel validated and respected and understood and loved. I will take pictures.

And it will take me days to fully recover from the experience.

And yet I still go.

Jenna had a blog post today that hit home. Read it here.

My immortal indeed.

“These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase”

Wondering, exactly, why I continue to do this?

Am I fooling myself? Does this really make a difference? Can I make a difference? Can my little wounded voice be heard in the sea of screaming prospective adopters and baby brokers waiting to profit off of the sale of our children?

In other nonsensical ramblings, I wrote my daughter (yes, yes, I know she told me she doesn’t want a relationship) and let her know I would be in the city, I still hope to meet her some day, perhaps she and her girlfriend might want to meet for a drink … for coffee?

Silly?

Perhaps.

But I am known be a bit silly at times. Even rather reckless. For sure rather annoying (at least to her).

I don’t expect a response.

But you know, the invite/email wasn’t sent to get a response. It was sent to be me. Who I am, who I always will be.

A mother that loves, misses and wants to know her daughter.

Saudade.

Forever saudade.

15 Thoughts.

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Pre Conference Ramblings + Jitters | Writing My Wrongs -- Topsy.com

  2. I don’t think it’s silly at all that you wrote your daughter.

    It’s simply being a mother, reaching out. It’s you, honoring yourself. What regrets you would likely have had if you had not.

    Because after all, what if?? What if it is the email that opens the door? For all you know, she also feels forever saudade…

  3. I so wish I did not live so far away, I would LOVE to go and hear you all speak.

    It’s going to be good. And you know what feelings will erupt and to expect them.

    Good for you, I’m glad you wrote your daughter.

    Thinking of you! I can’t wait to read all about it 🙂

    Hugs.

  4. I know for a fact how incredible you will be, and add you to a panel of other women with strong voices, and we will undoubtedly all be blown away.

    Mostly I’m looking forward to hanging out, talking in the hotel, walking to and from the conference 🙂 See you SOON!!!!

  5. You still go, because you are called to. It’s in your blood, my Suz. As much as it hurts, it is in you and I believe you make a difference and touch the lives of people you do not even know. You do it, because you can.

    I believe in you, I know you’re going to do a kick ass job…and you know that I will continue to believe that you will one day see your girl, face to face. I will never stop believing for that.

    xo

  6. Jitters are normal. You’ll be great, Suz! Enjoy the conference, both the crying and laughing. And take good care of yourself. XOXOXO

  7. I can’t tell you how much I wish I could go and hear you speak – hear others speak – meet some other people on this path – help to keep some other people off this path.

  8. The difference you make? Holding sacred space where truth is told, intimacies shared, and hope is offered can not be done by just anyone. You are a warrior of soul and forever change lives, doubt it not. All my love to you, girlfriend.

  9. Your voice is loud and clear, I hope you keep speaking and help others. I have followed your blog for some time, and would enjoy nothing more than to feel your excitement when reunion does occur for you. It will! Your daughter is obviously figuring out who she is in this world, and she is missing out on quite a bit of love you have to offer. Saudade….

  10. Suz, I would love to go and hear you speak. And coming from me who is from a world where an unplanned pregnancy is THE ultimate sin, I can tell you you DO make a difference. You’ve opened up a whole side of adoption I did not ever consider.

    Keep talking! More people need to know… (hugs)

  11. It was so good to see you at the conference, Suz, and YES, your voice makes a differnce — it is so important for PAPs, APs, SWs to hear your voice.

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