Since leaving my job in June I have been focusing on applying for web producing, new media, content management, online type jobs. That is my passion. My gift. The using of words, pictures, technology to convey information, to compel people to take action, to form community. I am very committed to finding a job in that domain even if it means a cut in pay.
When you apply for work in this field, it is generally required that one supply URL’s of sites and projects you have worked on. I have. I put my personal sites, my ehbabes.com, my blogs, and other sites I have done contract/freelance work on. I have a fair portfolio. I would expect them to be sufficient proof that I can do what I say I do and even do it reasonably well.
And yet, the bites, the interviews, have been slow to come. There were two interviews with a company that has a logo of red umbrella. Those two took many, many hours of my time and even studying/refreshing myself on how to do a case study interview. After investing significant time, on two separate occasions, both positions were canceled. I have interviewed at former employers and gotten my hopes up and then had them dashed when I learned I was the #2 candidate. I have had conversations with consulting/contract agencies and yet nothing has popped.
This is partly due to where I live. I am not in NY, Boston or any other major city that would have many of the positions I seek. Positions like the ones I am after are few in my area and they are coveted and generally held on to once they are obtained. I don’t have the luxury of increasing my commuting distance due to my sons (and frankly wouldn’t want to).
So, the hunt continues.
And while it does, there is a thought, a fear, an outright paranoia running around my head and causing me to think about running and hiding or even looking into one of those services that erase/change you online reputation for you.
My possible employers are checking my URLs, checking me out online and finding my adoption persona and THAT is working against me. I have no proof of this mind you. I haven’t seen any of stat reports show any hits from local sources and yet, that old fear, that old branding, rises to the surface. And when it does I fight it back, I reason, I use logic, and I get angry. I am not going to go back into the barfmother closet, I can assure you, but fighting these old demons does make me ponder it once and a while.
I am genuinely fearful that my birthmother status will prevent me from getting a job. I am afraid someone will check my URL’s in advance (perfectly reasonable) and during an interview ask me about my reunion, ask me what is wrong with me that my daughter doesn’t want to know me (not so reasonable). Any personal questions will surely derail me in an interview. Cry much during job interviews?
I realize its a stretch and I am likely seriously overthinking the possible reasons for the state of my job search (I am big on overthinking) but the mere thought of it makes me feel a little ill.
Go ahead and laugh (or perhaps you understand).
It makes me angry that with all my self work, all my own personal acceptance there is still a shred of shame inside me that pokes at even my career.
It makes me realize I still have a great deal of work to do on myself.