Swirling

Hello to all my readers, especially those that figured out the blog platform change and were able to find me and/or fix their readers.  Again, best thing to do is to always use writingmywrongs.com as a way to find me.

I have been a bad blogger. I am not really sure what a bad blogger is exactly but I equate it to being a blogger that has not blogged. I don’t have a single concrete reason for this.  Sure my life is busy on some days. Other days I am treacherously bored. I am still unemployed.  That fact is getting to me a bit (more on that later).  I do have time to blog I just don’t well, FEEL, like it. I haven’t had any strong writing prompts (I welcome then, free to ask a question or suggest I share or write about something), no strong feelings related to adoption other than a more than usual overwhelming feeling that I wish it could all just go away. I still read a few random adoption blogs, I have adoption friends on my facebook, I am excited at presenting at the conference in October. But today? The past few weeks? I have no desire to blog about adoption. (I have been busy however posting non adoption related items on my tumblr. Check it out).

I feel so very tired, so exhausted from adoption, from my daughter and her lack of feeling for me and her brothers, from my reunion.  Its not like I am avoiding rather it is more like I have turned my head the other way. I know it is behind me but I just don’t want to look at it. And if I blog, what am I going to say? It seems like we all say the same thing over and over again. We all feel our own versions of the same pain and loss and nothing seems to change, no on seems to hear, no one seems to care. That sounds negative and whiny, I realize, but it is the sentiment of the day. What is the point?

I have thought about returning to the writing of my book. I started a piece of semi autobiographical fiction a year or so ago (some of you read a few chapters).  That is about as far as I got. Thinking about it.

Best conclusion I have come to is that I am in yet another growth stage related to this “stuff”. Quiet times, uncertain times, confusing times, for me, are usually growth times.

For certain I am in a time of growth professionally and personally. You may recall I left my job mid June. I have been looking for full time, contract or freelance work since that time. I have had interviews, gotten my hopes up and had my hopes dashed.  I have been very selective about what I have been applying to (specifically, web producer positions). I want to do what I want to do and not what I have to do.  I feel as if my fiancé gave me a wonderful gift by allowing me to quit in June and I want to cherish that gift and make it blossom not turn it into another weed to grow in the garden of my life.  And yet, lately, I am wavering. Maybe I should apply to things I could get but don’t want to do.  I lived off of savings for the summer, sold some stock, but soon, very soon, things will become tighter for us.

The good news, that I am excited for is that I do start classes in a few weeks (another gift my fiancé gave me. Prior to him entering my life, no one was supportive of my desire to return to school.).  I am only taking one class this semester (is a psych class which I know I will love) but I am practically foaming at the mouth from excitement. I love school.

For now, for today, I am, I guess, just swirling. Swirling with adoption here and there, job stuff, school stuff, mommy stuff, and you know, life.

If you have suggestiosn for writing, for employment or general life improvement, please do send!

4 Thoughts.

  1. Hugs to you mi amore, saddened that till now nobody supported your desire to return to school but gladdened you are returning to school and that I could provide you this ‘gift’…
    Mwah!!!

  2. Found you! Have some catching up to do.

    And I’ve moved, but back to the old place. Missed that header photo, among other things 🙂

    • Yeah, sorry I moved around. I wanted to do more advanced wordpress stuff for personal and professional reasons and had to be self hosted to do that. I did see you were back at thirdmom. I am glad.

  3. Suz, I read a little bit of your book’s beginning. Having been there, done that, and struggled every step of the way, I say WRITE IT! No matter what comes of it, the experience will be cathartic. Use the time you have now. Because once you’re working again, and in school, it’ll be hard to make the time. Don’t worry about how good it is, just pound it out, and edit later. You have an important story to tell, whether in novel form or memoir.

    XO D.

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