Five years ago today I received an email from my daughter for the first time.
Five years ago today she wrote me back.
Not much has changed in the five years.
Least not in relation to our reunion.
I don’t hear from her anymore, not that I ever heard much.
I don’t check on her as much these days.
I have put away some hopes, got rid of a heart load of expectations, and learned a great deal about myself.
I have ceased trying to “normalize” my adoption experience with others around me and my subsequent children. I have put her pictures away and have ceased regularly sharing her status with my sons.
I no longer have contact with her father. (I did for the first few years following reunion).
I no longer make care packages or get excited for holidays and the possibility of sending her a gift.
I ceased making my life plans with her in the side car. I drive ahead alone and I am doing okay with that.
Well, sort of.
I am still working through a great deal. There are still triggers. Dark periods can creep up on me and I battle them as best I can. As my old posts (see below) say, I still get sad, almost daily. I feel conflicted, angry, confused, lost and more. Yet I carry on. I must. I may never have her in my life. I will always have me. I must take care of me and those that are in my life.
I reread some old anniversary posts. I find them interesting. They naturally make me cry. Still, I read and still I find them oddly fascinating. The more things change the more they stay the same. I have the first two years offloaded to a file. I was on a different blogging platform then and in fact, did not even share my reunion publicly. I did that on LiveJournal with a few select friends. Now THAT is an interesting blog to read. I do have the last three years here and well, now, year five.
I wont say much more. I would be repeating myself.
But I will say what I always say. I wont say it to her of course. But I will capture it here.
Happy Anniversary M. I love you and miss you.