Cold Turkey Aint For Me

I’m still lost but at least I can see where I’m going. – Unknown

I am a junkie. 

No really. 

I need yet another  support group. Or maybe a patch. Maybe some sort of deterrent. Something that shocks my fingers or sticks me in the eyeballs when I click and view there.

I am talking about my daughters twitter and website.

While my checking on her has gone down considerably, and my commenting has ceased all together, I am struggling with completely writing her off. I am struggling with not wondering what she is up to since NY fashion week since she is a fashion blogger, fashion press and more. I couldn’t help but think of her when I learned of the death of Alexander McQueen or when I saw a fabulous Rodarte slide show. It just happens. She just pops into my head.

POP! POP! POP!

I am struggling with training myself NOT to think of my daughter.

How asinine is that?

The first step in solving a problem is admitting you have it, right?

Well, I must admit, in my down times at the office (okay, maybe not so down times) I click over to her twitter feed. (It doesn’t have stats right? Or does it? Have I missed an app that tells you who is stalking your twitter stream?) and I catch up on her news (it’s all public, I am not following her) and I scamper away like the stalking mother that I am. My belief, however misguided, is that the key is to not make myself known. That it makes her more comfortable if she doesn’t have to acknowledge that I exist and as long as I don’t comment, I am good, right? As long as I don’t leave birthmom droppings on her blog (i.e., “Hey, that was a great post. I love your writing style”) I am not in violation. Right? Right?

Meh. Yeah. You don’t have to agree with me. I know what you would say.

It is just so gosh danged impossible NOT to think of my child. Not to worry about her. Not to want to read her fabulous rants on her blog and see her latest outfit. She is neat. She is interesting. She is someone I would have as a friend if she wasnt my daughter. She reminds me of myself, of Claud, of so many other amazing articulate young women I know.

But yes, yes, I get it. I am violating a boundary by stalking her work online.  The desired state is to cut the cords completely. I get that. I am not the type to utilize those services that hide your IP. I will not go that low. I will not use a “friend” to get me my stuff.

I will cut myself off. I will. I must.

It’s just taking me longer to implement.

I relapse occasionally.

I realize this post sounds like I am a making a joke of it. I am not. Well, maybe I am. Maybe if I dont laugh I am afraid I will cry.

But I swear I am working on it.

I just can’t go cold turkey.

10 Thoughts.

  1. Yo Suz – she is your daughter. Your child. Your baby. The sweet girl you carried and birthed. The daughter you longed for your entire life…even now. You are her mother. The woman who gave her life. The woman who believed – at the time – that adoption was the best (only) choice for her. You gave her life. And, y’know what? You contributed (I’m betting A LOT, from what you’ve shared about her) to who she is today. I have no doubt that you are a part of why she’s so stubborn and strong…why she’s so passionate about her work and an amazing writer.

    I don’t think it’s negative/wrong…for you, or her…if you’re still keeping an eye out for what she is up to. It’s not like you two dated and she dumped you and you’re hanging on to her for dear life. She IS life. The fact is…you will always be mother/child. You will always, always be connected.

    How could you – as a MOTHER – NOT want to know how she is…? Seriously?! I don’t think it’s wrong. I don’t think it’s living in the past. I don’t think it’s unhealthy. I think it’s reality. I think it’s real.

    I don’t believe that your goal should be, “Ok, I need to get to a point where I can push her out of my mind completely and never google her ever again.” That’s not possible. And I pray, for her sake (and I know you well enough to know this won’t ever happen), that it IS never possible, for you.

    I – personally – don’t think you’re violating a boundary. (I say this as I check my bio-brother’s Facebook page…a few times a week…since he’s left it ‘open’.) I don’t find it wrong to check on her…to think of her…to pray for her…to wonder about her…to send her ‘please contact me’ vibes. I don’t believe, necessarily completely, that she never wants to hear from you ever again. I believe that right now, she needs space and needs you to stop making contact. And like I’ve told you before…I’m believing that in time…she WILL initiate contact with you. Something will trigger her…and she’ll make contact.

    And, thank God that she has a birthmother who does – and will – love her unconditionally and keep the door open for her to walk through, at any time.

    Suz…she’s your girl. She’s a piece of you. That will never change, my pal.

    I’d like to squeeze you. xo

  2. How awful that you even have to think about this? I’m so sorry. But, I think its okay to check her twitter or her blog. These things are public. Any weirdo with internet can read them (and probably does). You’re her mother! Its okay. You are respecting her wishes. You aren’t commenting. Its okay!!!

  3. you are not alone in this type of “stalking”. I bet many of us do it. I do it. I go to my sisters myspace..even though they don’t want anything to do with me. I tell myself that I won’t because it hurts. It hurts to see them be a family without me..but I can’t stop.
    You are her mother and you need to know how she is.

  4. Okay, so once I open my mouth somewhere I tend to find it difficult to keep it closed. And so I am now commenting again. However, I want to share something with you because it may (or may not) pertain to you. My mother and I are not speaking. We are not communicating at all. She does, however, read my blog twice a day. From my blog she clicks over to my twitter and my youtube account. It annoys me at times. I get mad. I complain to my husband. BUT I have yet to block her IP address from my blog. Why? I could not really tell you. I do, often, feel violated that she is reading it when she will not talk to me (I know – it is not you who will not talk to her but still). None the less I do not block her (on my blog I mean). I guess my only point is that if she REALLY did not want you to look at her blog she could stop you. Good luck!

  5. I agree with Upstatemom. If she didn’t want you to read, she could block you. Or pointedly and specifically ask you not to read her blog/twitter. Reading is not “contacting”. I would not be able to stop.

  6. Suz, There is no way you’ll ever be able to not think about her. I think of my son everyday. He doesn’t have anything online for me to stalk. If he did, I might. I get my info from his ex and I need to know, even though it’s not generally good news. Sigh…

  7. I check on both of mine regularly via FB, twitter, google, any way I can. I also feel weird about doing it, I question myself and wonder if they feel stalked. I don’t always comment but I do enjoy just knowing what’s going on.

    I like what Laurel has to say, Suz, after all these are our children whether they or their parents choose to acknowledge that. All I can really say is, Thank goodness for the internet! 🙂

  8. It is totally sad Suz, I don’t see how you can not look. You shouldn’t hold looking against yourself.

    I am sorry you are in this position.

  9. Suz, it is such a fine line between showing an interest and feeling you are stalking someone. And I know in your case it is all the more difficult in the fact your daughter has declared she wants no contact from you. I say “feeling” you are stalking because reading someones website or checking their tweets are far from stalking. I know I am hyper sensitive about my daughters privacy that I am even afraid to even click on her facebook page, I have to do with updates that appear on my page! Sad or what…

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