“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” – Buddha
I havent been writing much. I havent really been doing much of anything. This lack of activity is due largely to my health issues. I havent had the physical ability to focus, think, and oh yeah, walk for any length of time.
I am happy to report the medication does appear to be helping. I can walk now and only occasionally do I walk into a wall or sway the opposite direction from what I wish to go. My headaches are duller and I can focus a bit better. My glasses are on order (thank you Zenni Optical) and that will also help. I am apparently now slightly farsighted. Many thanks to Rebecca, Thorn and all other commentors who offered me support, guidance and personal experience.
There are two additional reasons for my lack of verbosity. One is adoption related and the other is not.
The one in the “is not” category is labelled my life. My life is very full. I have a new boss at work due to a reorg. I need to figure out the new work place. I am meeting new people, getting new duties and well, stressing about all of it. On the home front my children are getting deeply immersed in their schools. They have a ridiculous amount of homework each night. And by ridiculous I mean they have more homework than I remember having as a child. My evenings are a bit crazy with getting home, preparing dinner while home work is done. I run from child to child to help with this problem or that problem all the while making sure the pasta water does not boil over. I am sure any working mom can understand. Simultaneously, my fiance will be attempting to catch me up on his day or ask a question about a piece of mail. Dinner and homework usually wrap up by seven and it is from that hour to the next that the four of us try to decompress a bit and enjoy some time together. Bed time arrives around 8ish and by the time my two boys finish hiding on each other, jumping from bed to bed and brushing their teeth with the “shaving cream” iso active toothpaste, I am wiped.
At that point, I generally retire to my ox-blood colored family room and rest with my darling Rich, who is often sorely neglected by me during the craziness. We continue our adult conversation and if we are energetic enough, tune into one of our favorite shows of late (FlashForward, Fringe, or one of the many crime dramas).
Add to all of the above, I am considering, again, going back to school. I am still muddling through divorce related financial drama even two years post divorce. I am planning a seven year old Boo-thday party (Halloween theme kids birthday party), attempting to migrate my ehbabes.com site to a new platform, helping with searches, randomly thinking about a wedding in the next year, working on our fabulous home and more.
I frankly dont have the time to write. Doing what I love to do will inevitably result in someone or something neglected.
I love this and I hate it.
I love it because the things taking up my time are wonderful blessed things. I have a full wonderful life. I hate it because writing is my outlet, my spirit, my voice.
The second reason for my lack of writing is that I am in an angry stage. I am intensely angry at my daughter for no specific reason. While thoughts of her usually bring about a melange of feelings, lately I feel only anger. I wanna spit. I want to stomp my foot, raise my fist to the sky and scream. I want to write nasty emails (I dont). I want to thrash and flail. I am enraged at adoption. I am tired of reading blogs. I am tired of being ignored by my daughter. I am tired of the damage it has done to all facets of my life. I am just so effing tired of the ignorance and stupidity and self-entitlement and gods-plan bullshit (see, that swearing? That is anger). I am frankly frakkin tired of being nice and supporting everyone and worrying about everyone elses feelings at the expense of my own.
I am fearful if I blog my anger will come through (haha, cuz like THAT never happens and this is an uber happy adoption blog, right? LOL). No really. I havent expressed one ounce of the rage I feel. I do my best to be rational and understanding and thoughtful. However, every so often, that angry beast will poke his way to the surface and demand to be seen. I play a game of whack-a-mole with the beast.
When that beast is present I find myself all tied up. I am so busy fighting the beast, managing my life (see good stuff above) that I simply cannot form words. I am tongue-tied (or should I say finger-tied) with anger.
However, like the lunch I had yesterday, I am confident this too shall pass. I am searching for the emotional metamucil to push it along.
For now while I juggle my life and battle the anger beast I am a bit quiet.