Comments on: Hopes vs. Expectations? http://writingmywrongs.com/2009/08/18/hopes-vs-expectations/ When a mother is forced to choose between the child and the culture, there is something abhorrently cruel and unconsidered about that culture. A culture that requires harm to one's soul in order to follow the cultures prescriptions is a very sick culture indeed. This 'culture' can be the one a woman lives in, but more damning yet, it can be the one she carries around and complies with within her own mind....." -- Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes Fri, 18 May 2012 03:34:24 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: pam http://writingmywrongs.com/2009/08/18/hopes-vs-expectations/#comment-3599 pam Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:50:05 +0000 http://writingmywrongs.com/?p=803#comment-3599 Suz, I must say that i wish i had a mother like you. I can not tell you how disappointing it has been for me.. my life long dream of finding her. It has not been the worst reunion.. but it has been online only, i remain a secret, and now we are reduced to simple emails of weather, heat and being tired. Weekly or longer .. from twice a day and having IM's. My dreams shattered.. even more so after i got to know her and how much we are alike.. that dream of finding some one like me.. it came true then it faded. So, looking back i can only say.. i wish i had a mom like you.. Hopefully, in time.. your daughter will wake up and find it important .. might take a while and life circumstances .. but all things are possible. Suz,
I must say that i wish i had a mother like you. I can not tell you how disappointing it has been for me.. my life long dream of finding her. It has not been the worst reunion.. but it has been online only, i remain a secret, and now we are reduced to simple emails of weather, heat and being tired. Weekly or longer .. from twice a day and having IM’s.
My dreams shattered.. even more so after i got to know her and how much we are alike.. that dream of finding some one like me.. it came true then it faded.
So, looking back i can only say.. i wish i had a mom like you..
Hopefully, in time.. your daughter will wake up and find it important .. might take a while and life circumstances .. but all things are possible.

]]> By: Repeating myself « singout http://writingmywrongs.com/2009/08/18/hopes-vs-expectations/#comment-3598 Repeating myself « singout Tue, 25 Aug 2009 22:27:04 +0000 http://writingmywrongs.com/?p=803#comment-3598 [...] just noticed last night that Suz has a further exploration of expectations which is important to me.  I hope to come back to that [...] [...] just noticed last night that Suz has a further exploration of expectations which is important to me.  I hope to come back to that [...]

]]> By: maryanne http://writingmywrongs.com/2009/08/18/hopes-vs-expectations/#comment-3597 maryanne Fri, 21 Aug 2009 12:16:03 +0000 http://writingmywrongs.com/?p=803#comment-3597 I found my son very young, and in retrospect think I had a lot of expectations I did not recognize at such, the biggest being that he would feel like the adoptees I met in support groups who wanted very much to know their original mothers. This turned out to be not the case. The other side of hopes and expectations are fears, and I had plenty of those. Some of them turned out to be true, others not. As I was met by years and years of mostly silence, hope dwindled away, but so did expectations. I had to face reality, which was that my son was not at that time at all interested in me. Unbeknowst to me he was dealing with a lot of other hard stuff in his life having to do with his adoptive family and could not deal with what to him looked like more obligation and complication from me. I never really gave up hope, but came damn close. Eventually my son came around again, with email, one in person meeting at his request, and then back to sporadic email only. I have had to remind myself with each step forward he makes to be grateful for that, and to not spin it out into expectations of "more" which I tend to do. I do have hope now, but it is very cautious. I try not to have expectations, to accept what he is willing to give, to be open and understanding, not to be either greedy or disappointed. Sometimes that is very hard. I am comforted that he has a good life and appears to be a good person, and has shared some of his life with me. He is not rude, did not return things, even when he was not communicating. If he had returned anything or asked I not contact him again, I would have honored that. I don't think we can second guess how our surrendered kids will react to anything we say or do. We each have to deal with the individual we are dealing with, and take what they say at face value. It is made extra hard when they say nothing. I found my son very young, and in retrospect think I had a lot of expectations I did not recognize at such, the biggest being that he would feel like the adoptees I met in support groups who wanted very much to know their original mothers. This turned out to be not the case. The other side of hopes and expectations are fears, and I had plenty of those. Some of them turned out to be true, others not.

As I was met by years and years of mostly silence, hope dwindled away, but so did expectations. I had to face reality, which was that my son was not at that time at all interested in me. Unbeknowst to me he was dealing with a lot of other hard stuff in his life having to do with his adoptive family and could not deal with what to him looked like more obligation and complication from me.

I never really gave up hope, but came damn close. Eventually my son came around again, with email, one in person meeting at his request, and then back to sporadic email only. I have had to remind myself with each step forward he makes to be grateful for that, and to not spin it out into expectations of “more” which I tend to do.

I do have hope now, but it is very cautious. I try not to have expectations, to accept what he is willing to give, to be open and understanding, not to be either greedy or disappointed. Sometimes that is very hard. I am comforted that he has a good life and appears to be a good person, and has shared some of his life with me. He is not rude, did not return things, even when he was not communicating. If he had returned anything or asked I not contact him again, I would have honored that.

I don’t think we can second guess how our surrendered kids will react to anything we say or do. We each have to deal with the individual we are dealing with, and take what they say at face value. It is made extra hard when they say nothing.

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