Comments on: On Hope http://writingmywrongs.com/2009/08/05/on-hope/ When a mother is forced to choose between the child and the culture, there is something abhorrently cruel and unconsidered about that culture. A culture that requires harm to one's soul in order to follow the cultures prescriptions is a very sick culture indeed. This 'culture' can be the one a woman lives in, but more damning yet, it can be the one she carries around and complies with within her own mind....." -- Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes Fri, 18 May 2012 03:34:24 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Kristin http://writingmywrongs.com/2009/08/05/on-hope/#comment-3590 Kristin Sun, 30 Aug 2009 01:32:25 +0000 http://writingmywrongs.com/?p=796#comment-3590 In regards to hope, as well as to expectations, I have a few thoughts based on my own experience as a reunited adoptee. First, let me preface my situation by saying that I have lived a very full and happy life, and that from a very early age I knew that I was adopted but that it was a closed adoption. I have never viewed myself as one rejected but as one that was saved (from abortion by my birth mother, not that she considered it) and accepted (by my adoptive family). I also try not to view my life as what could have been vs what was. What happened has happened, and I fully believe that it has been God's will, period. Ok now that I have kind of introduced myself, back to your thoughts and situation. I have only read a few of your blog entries, but it seems that you contacted your daughter when she was (is) in her early 20s? I know every situation is different, but just to share mine... I was told by my adopted father (through an attorney) when I was 18 that I had the freedom to contact my birth mother if I desired to do so. As far as I knew (and now know for sure) she hoped from that day on that I would respond and contact her. I prayed about this for many years, and despite not having any negative thoughts toward her, my fear of the unknown led me to wait until I was 28 years old to make that contact. At that time, emotionally and mentally, I was ready for whatever I would encounter. As it turns out, I have encountered a wonderful person and have become very close to her. I still struggle with the reality of what family looks like for me these days, as I now have my adoptive family and have become close as well to both biological parents and their respective families. But that is another topic. From my perspective, I feel that your tendency to hope is good. It sounds like you do not expect anything from your daughter in the sense of entitlement but simply hope for the things that you desire. I can say that as an adoptee I also had hopes and tried not to pair those hopes with expectations. I had a really hard time early in my reunion when I realized that I had basically delayed the hopes of my birth mother for 10 years beyond what was legally possible. I realized that I had held in my possession the answers to so many questions and longings that she had been harboring for the past 10 years and 18 years before that. It was very powerful to realize the impact I had on her when I genuinely had not viewed it that way prior to our reunion and communicating our feelings. I have rambled quite a bit here, but I just felt compelled to share with you a little of my story and perspective. Feel free to e-mail me if you care to discuss anything. In regards to hope, as well as to expectations, I have a few thoughts based on my own experience as a reunited adoptee. First, let me preface my situation by saying that I have lived a very full and happy life, and that from a very early age I knew that I was adopted but that it was a closed adoption. I have never viewed myself as one rejected but as one that was saved (from abortion by my birth mother, not that she considered it) and accepted (by my adoptive family). I also try not to view my life as what could have been vs what was. What happened has happened, and I fully believe that it has been God’s will, period.

Ok now that I have kind of introduced myself, back to your thoughts and situation. I have only read a few of your blog entries, but it seems that you contacted your daughter when she was (is) in her early 20s? I know every situation is different, but just to share mine… I was told by my adopted father (through an attorney) when I was 18 that I had the freedom to contact my birth mother if I desired to do so. As far as I knew (and now know for sure) she hoped from that day on that I would respond and contact her. I prayed about this for many years, and despite not having any negative thoughts toward her, my fear of the unknown led me to wait until I was 28 years old to make that contact. At that time, emotionally and mentally, I was ready for whatever I would encounter. As it turns out, I have encountered a wonderful person and have become very close to her. I still struggle with the reality of what family looks like for me these days, as I now have my adoptive family and have become close as well to both biological parents and their respective families. But that is another topic.

From my perspective, I feel that your tendency to hope is good. It sounds like you do not expect anything from your daughter in the sense of entitlement but simply hope for the things that you desire. I can say that as an adoptee I also had hopes and tried not to pair those hopes with expectations. I had a really hard time early in my reunion when I realized that I had basically delayed the hopes of my birth mother for 10 years beyond what was legally possible. I realized that I had held in my possession the answers to so many questions and longings that she had been harboring for the past 10 years and 18 years before that. It was very powerful to realize the impact I had on her when I genuinely had not viewed it that way prior to our reunion and communicating our feelings.

I have rambled quite a bit here, but I just felt compelled to share with you a little of my story and perspective. Feel free to e-mail me if you care to discuss anything.

]]> By: Denise http://writingmywrongs.com/2009/08/05/on-hope/#comment-3589 Denise Wed, 19 Aug 2009 19:58:36 +0000 http://writingmywrongs.com/?p=796#comment-3589 I found a pretty decent article about managing our expectations of others: <a href="http://www.todayisthatday.com/manage-your-life-by-managing-your-expectations/" rel="nofollow">Managing Your Expectation</a> Here's a piece from it: <i>The trick to keeping yourself from having to experience negative emotions as a result of someone else's actions is to not have any expectation either way about what that person is going to do. You must release yourself from your attachment to any outcome that is based on someone else's actions or inactions! As long as you expect other people to always do what you want them to do, you will forever be setting yourself up for possible disappointment. Not because people are always going to let you down, but simply because eventually someone else's decision will not marry up with what you think is best. As long as you have prepared for that moment in advance by releasing your attachment to any given outcome, then you will not have a negative reaction when the time comes.</i> I found a pretty decent article about managing our expectations of others: Managing Your Expectation

Here’s a piece from it:
The trick to keeping yourself from having to experience negative emotions as a result of someone else’s actions is to not have any expectation either way about what that person is going to do.

You must release yourself from your attachment to any outcome that is based on someone else’s actions or inactions!

As long as you expect other people to always do what you want them to do, you will forever be setting yourself up for possible disappointment. Not because people are always going to let you down, but simply because eventually someone else’s decision will not marry up with what you think is best.

As long as you have prepared for that moment in advance by releasing your attachment to any given outcome, then you will not have a negative reaction when the time comes.

]]> By: Margie http://writingmywrongs.com/2009/08/05/on-hope/#comment-3588 Margie Sun, 16 Aug 2009 14:18:54 +0000 http://writingmywrongs.com/?p=796#comment-3588 Wish I had some helpful words, but honestly I don't - just a hope that whatever your daughter needs to open her head and heart to you reaches her, and that you meet. Wish I had some helpful words, but honestly I don’t – just a hope that whatever your daughter needs to open her head and heart to you reaches her, and that you meet.

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