: ( – Me
I use firefox at home to surf the Net.
I have used firefox for a few years and love it. I am not a fan of IE at all. This is largely due to the fact that my employer is still on IE6. Ugh. I have trained my sons to use Firefox instead of IE even though it is resident on our systems. (I am also converting over my fiance).
Last night my son was working on summer homework on my home computer. He has two books to read this summer (Monster and A Single Shard) and has to complete projects on both of them. They are due the second day of school. He has finished reading Monster and is working on the related project.
He typed the project last night on my home computer. He must have become bored with his school work at some point and decided to surf the web and launched firefox.
My firefox home page is my blog.
Imagine my surprise when I enter the darkened family room, lit only by the computer monitor, and find my 11 yo son deeply engaged in reading this very blog. As I rounded the desk where he sat, he quickly closed the browser and returned to his school work. He reacted so quickly you would have thought I caught him surfing porn sites.
No porn. Just this blog where I talk about his sister, my adoption experience and activism.
He was all kinds of off after I “caught” him reading this blog. It felt to me that he shut the blog viewing down to hide the fact he was reading it from me. He seemed to care less (as did I) that he was taking a break from his home work and I caught him.
It bothered me that he seemed to be bothered by this blog. He did not have his hand in the cookie jar. He has his eyes on this blog. He knows what I do, why, how and such. We have talked about his sister (not in the past year though). I encourage open dialogue and let him ask questions. I dont write anything here I would not stand up for with my children or I wouldnt want them to know. I am not ashamed or embarassed with my children. In my home, honesty and reality sit down on the couch with us every night. Adoption denial is not welcome. We dont serve adoption koolaid at our new home.
That being said, what disturbed him here? What totally changed his mood to the point he came up to me later, hugged me and started to sob into my shoulder?
Is he feeling bad for me? Is he missing the sister he does not and cannot not know? Did I say something here that upset him?
I tried to talk to him later. He would not budge. He looked down at his feet, away, played with his ear, held my hand and just stayed quiet.
I resent that all my children must pay the price of adoption.
The transaction was not completed the day my daughters adoptive parents paid the baby broker. I, my sons, my marriage and more have been paying installments on that transaction for years.
I am frankly tired of it.
My emotional wallet is empty and my children should never have had to pay at all.
#1 by Jasmin on 2009/08/05 - 9:56 am
I am frankly tired of it to. Adoption hurts not only us but our children both raised and relinquished. When will the hell end?
#2 by Summer on 2009/08/05 - 12:25 pm
I agree…it hurts the children we raised so much!!! Hugs to your son! Hugs to you!
#3 by dawn on 2009/08/05 - 1:46 pm
Google shared. Adoption is unfair.
#4 by thanksgivingmom on 2009/08/05 - 4:13 pm
I hate to admit it, but this is one of the areas where I feel like I’m drinking the Kool-Aid while I can….while it doesn’t affect a significant other (well, at least not directly, I know it affects some of the ways I treat significant others), while I don’t have other children for it to effect, and while my family is held in the dark – by me.
But I’m not looking forward to the day in which my family, spouse, children, are forced to be brought into this “transaction” as yours have.
(((hugs)))
#5 by Roxanne on 2009/08/05 - 5:21 pm
Yeah, adoption has greatly affected my four raised sons…simply sucks.
#6 by Denise on 2009/08/06 - 5:11 am
While I didn’t have other children for my only son’s relinquishment to affect, it has impacted others in the family: my siblings, stepson, aunts, uncles, cousins — and most importantly my grandchildren (my son and my stepson’s children). As they say… adoption, the gift that keeps on taking.
Hugs to you and your boys. D.
#7 by Mei-Ling on 2009/08/16 - 10:47 am
“He reacted so quickly you would have thought I caught him surfing porn sites.”
I know this entry wasn’t supposed to be funny, but that statement made me giggle a bit.
I’m glad you’re back, even if it ends up only being for a little while (re-found you again through TongguMomma’s blog).
#8 by Rachel Stumme on 2009/08/18 - 7:42 am
Suz, thanks for writing about this — I don’t think I’ve ever read about how adoption affects subsequent children we raise, but I know it’s a reality in our family. Thanks for trusting your readers with this.
#9 by M. on 2009/08/21 - 4:20 pm
Oh, Gosh, Suz–my heart hurts reading this.
#10 by paragraphein on 2009/08/27 - 11:28 pm
“My emotional wallet is empty and my children should never have had to pay at all.”
Powerful statement.
I’m so sorry Suz. You know I relate. Tiresome is exactly the word for it.