Paying the Price of Adoption

: ( – Me

I use firefox at home to surf the Net.

I have used firefox for a few years and love it. I am not a fan of IE at all. This is largely due to the fact that my employer is still on IE6. Ugh.  I have trained my sons to use Firefox instead of IE even though it is resident on our systems. (I am also converting over my fiance).

Last night my son was working on summer homework on my home computer.  He has two books to read this summer (Monster  and A Single Shard) and has to complete projects on both of them. They are due the second day of school. He has finished reading Monster and is working on the related project.

He typed the project last night on my home computer. He must have become bored with his school work at some point and decided to surf the web and launched firefox.

My firefox home page is my blog.

Imagine my surprise when I enter the darkened family room, lit only by the computer monitor, and find my 11 yo son deeply engaged in reading this very blog. As I rounded the desk where he sat, he quickly closed the browser and returned to his school work. He reacted so quickly you would have thought I caught him surfing porn sites.

No porn. Just this blog where I talk about his sister, my adoption experience and activism.

He was all kinds of off after I “caught” him reading this blog.  It felt to me that he shut the blog viewing down to hide the fact he was reading it from me. He seemed to care less (as did I) that he was taking a break from his home work and I caught him.

It bothered me that he seemed to be bothered by this blog. He did not have his hand in the cookie jar. He has his eyes on this blog.  He knows what I do, why, how and such. We have talked about his sister (not in the past year though). I encourage open dialogue and let him ask questions. I dont write anything here I would not stand up for with my children or I wouldnt want them to know. I am not ashamed or embarassed with my children. In my home, honesty and reality sit down on the couch with us every  night.  Adoption denial is not welcome. We dont serve adoption koolaid at our new home.

That being said, what disturbed him here? What totally changed his mood to the point he came up to me later, hugged me and started to sob into my shoulder?

Is he feeling bad for me?  Is he missing the sister he does not and cannot not know? Did I say something here that upset him?

I tried to talk to him later. He would not budge. He looked down at his feet, away, played with his ear, held my hand and just stayed quiet.

I resent that all my children must pay the price of adoption.

The transaction was not completed the day my daughters adoptive parents paid the baby broker. I, my sons, my marriage and more have been paying installments on that transaction for years.

I am frankly tired of it.

My emotional wallet is empty and my children should never have had to pay at all.

16 Thoughts.

  1. I am frankly tired of it to. Adoption hurts not only us but our children both raised and relinquished. When will the hell end?

  2. I hate to admit it, but this is one of the areas where I feel like I’m drinking the Kool-Aid while I can….while it doesn’t affect a significant other (well, at least not directly, I know it affects some of the ways I treat significant others), while I don’t have other children for it to effect, and while my family is held in the dark – by me.

    But I’m not looking forward to the day in which my family, spouse, children, are forced to be brought into this “transaction” as yours have.

    (((hugs)))

  3. While I didn’t have other children for my only son’s relinquishment to affect, it has impacted others in the family: my siblings, stepson, aunts, uncles, cousins — and most importantly my grandchildren (my son and my stepson’s children). As they say… adoption, the gift that keeps on taking.

    Hugs to you and your boys. D.

  4. “He reacted so quickly you would have thought I caught him surfing porn sites.”

    I know this entry wasn’t supposed to be funny, but that statement made me giggle a bit.

    I’m glad you’re back, even if it ends up only being for a little while (re-found you again through TongguMomma’s blog).

  5. Suz, thanks for writing about this — I don’t think I’ve ever read about how adoption affects subsequent children we raise, but I know it’s a reality in our family. Thanks for trusting your readers with this.

    • There are lots of mothers writing about how parenting after placement feels and acts in reality. I encourage you to read some of what they are writing; it’s important stuff.

  6. “My emotional wallet is empty and my children should never have had to pay at all.”

    Powerful statement.

    I’m so sorry Suz. You know I relate. Tiresome is exactly the word for it.

  7. It’s my least favorite part of the whole ordeal. I can take the self-hatred, doubt, guilt and so on. I hate that my kids feel the loss.

  8. I too went though those days when my children payed the price. Years later, after a failed reunion my children tell me they do not care about their relinquished sister and I finally believe them. They never remember her birthday ,or the anniversary of her relinquishement. They tell me they have moved on and I need to do the same. I am getting there but at a much slower pace then they have.

  9. Jenna, where do I read about parenting after placement? I feel I was a v. emotionally disturbed person/mother to my other children, and now I just find it sad and distressing, and makes me weepy when I think of how sometimes I was with them.
    Also, Suz, your son’s reaction, and later,when he wouldn’t look at you, I often felt that way if anything remotely came up about adoption- a topic I never spoke of- but it could be he’s afraid he’ll cry again, so – cuz that’s how I always felt, like I’d never stop crying, I hope you can get him to express himself. You sound like afantastic mother, I know you’ll help him.

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  11. This is a wonderful subject and one that I have really lacked to find any support in. I am a bio-sister (raised) and my sister is the one that I lost to adoption. Now, I am 43 years old and I did not know anything about my sister at all until Jan 6, 2010. Her existence came to me as a total shock! To find out so many years later that your mother had surrendered a daughter in 1966, before I was born was enough to almost throw me over the edge. Now I didn’t find out about my sister in the greatest way either, it wasn’t like my mother came out and just told me, but that is another story!
    Let me start by saying that I take care of my mom whom is extremely ill. When I confronted her about what I had “possibly” discovered, in reality, she could have lied and simply said, no that isn’t true. So I give my mother the utmost credit, as I know that if was hard on her, to tell me the honest truth and also provide me with all of the information that she could remember, so that I could search. Although the betrayal and anger that I felt toward my mom and the rest of my family was very bad, I have been working on dealing with those issues and to be honest, it really shows how “adoption” really played such a big part in how I was brought up and gave me a better understanding on how and why my mother is the way that she is. It’s almost like the missing piece of the puzzle was put in and my life, and my brother’s life made a lot of sense. My dear brother that I was raised with committed suicide in 2006. Now I don’t blame my mom at all for that, but I think that everything with surrendering her daughter effected her emotionally so bad that she had a hard time “raising us”.
    But to the point, I started searching on the computer immediately after that day. I knew absolutely nothing concerning adoption and quickly became educated on the laws. I really thought that I could just put her name, dob, state, and I would find her???? Well since I was working with an “amended name” it wasn’t working. And because of the laws in my state, I was forced to use a Confidential Intermediary”. My sister was located and we became in contact at the being of March 2010.
    At first my sister was so open and seemed so happy that I found her, I was in total bliss! We corresponded by facebook for about a month and then by phone, and then she said that she was ready to meet me. Well again I want you to remember that I was very scared of being rejected, and she would write me things about how she was so happy to know that she had a little sister that cared so much to search and find her. How we were sisters and would always be sister’s and that I could always trust and confide in her, and that she would never just walk away.
    Our first meeting, I took a lot of care in setting it up. We decided that just her and I would meet and it would be at a restaurant. I made sure that when I made the reservations that I told the staff there that this was an extremely private dinner and made sure that we had a table that was private. Well as I walked into the restaurant, my sister called me and told me that she was almost there and then said, I am very nervous and I hope that you don’t mind, but I brought my best friend. Although, I was taken back by that and really didn’t know how to comment and plus I didn’t want to take the chance that she wouldn’t meet me, so I said fine. Dinner was great, we shared photos, ect….
    We still talked pretty much everyday and then one day she said that if it was ok with me, could my husband and I meet with her and her husband. That went perfect! Then about a month later, she asked if our children could meet, and I quote her here, “because I want my children to know their Aunt and Cousins’. Again that went great! I think we got the kids together a couple more times and all seemed great!
    Well one day in November of that same year I received the most devastating and heartbreaking email. She wrote to me saying that if I wanted to remain in contact with her that everything would have to be a secret…she had not told her aparents about me. She also said some very harsh things about not really caring that I found her, to tell my girls that they were not allowed to post anything on facebook about being related, She even said this…she would not come to my funeral and I would not come to her’s?? I could go on and on about what she wrote, but to sum it up she took my heart and smashed it! My children were devastated! They are all young children. And I didn’t bring me children up to ever lie or be deceiptful.
    So when I comment here, I guess what I am trying to convey is that adoption can totally destroy relationships that shouldn’t be. My girl’s wonder what did they do wrong, I wonder the same. How do you explain all of this to children, when you really don’t understand what you did wrong? I have treaded lightly on all of this with my sister because I don’t like confrontation and I also don’t want her to reject me.
    It is now June 2013, and I remain in contact with her, but she has hurt me so much and if ever knew that things would have turned out this way, I would have never involved my children. Thank you for letting me comment and share a bit!

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