metus, sollicitudo

Anxiety is essential to the human condition. The confrontation with
anxiety can relieve us from boredom, sharpen the sensitivity and assure
the presence of tension that is necessary to preserve human existence. – Rollo May

I am in the midst of one mother of a anxiety attack.  Its been years since I had one. I think the last was a few months before my divorce.

I am doing what I have been taught to do; welcome in the attack, dare it to do its best and oh yeah, breathe.  Invite it to sit down next to me. Don't give it power. Fighting it gives it power. Welcome it in. Serve it a spot of emotional tea and it will weaken and ideally leave.

My suspicion is that there are a few things at the root here.

I am leaving tomorrow a.m. for AAC.  As well prepared as I am logistically, me thinks I have been ignoring the emotional side of things. That traumatized eighteen year old mother is kicking her way to the surface demanding to be seen and heard from. I need to find a way to honor and assure her that I will take care of her.

Two days ago I ordered what I believe to be one of my daughters favorite books by Jean Rhys. I wanted to read it to get a better understanding of her by maybe reading a book she likes. It came today. I thought I might read it on the plane to Cleveland. Bad idea? (Probably)

My fiance and I made an offer on a home yesterday. The sellers are away. We have no idea when we might hear if it is accepted or rejected.  Stress much? (Definitely)

And..

And…

I am attempting to employ several techniques I learned in therapy to get this chest pain, inability to breathe, headache, upset stomach, dizziness and desire to run and hide in a dark corner with no visible light or audible sound to dissipate.  Emphasis is on attempting.

I am finding myself rather pleased with my decision to register only for the day I am presenting at AAC. While we fly out tomorrow, my fiance and I will attend an Indians baseball game and visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before I have to spill my anxiety laden guts to peeps at AAC.

I hope the entertainment helps.   I know my human life raft of a fiance definitely will.

(Secretly, don't tell anyone, truth is I kinda wish I had some ativan. Unfortunately I gave up medicating this crap years ago. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.)

3 Thoughts.

  1. All the best on the conference presentation. I know you will rock their socks off!!! 🙂

  2. First…congratulations! Second, don’t worry about the house. These days sellers are thrilled to at least get an offer! As my Afather always told me that” it isn’t the only house in the world”…he is right but when you get wrapped up in it that is hard to remember!

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