“A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it.” - Marcelene Cox quotes
I am headed off to Chicago for five days and I am going to try really really hard to avoid the Internet. And by that I mean the Internet that is accessed via a computer cuz, like, I kinda always have the Internet on my iPhone. If I fail, my failing will be that I upload pictures to my flickr.
Lots of material floating in my head but unable to get it out in the right form. Hence, a list post.
My daughters tmblr site was blocked by my company firewall. Boo to that. I looked forward to points in the day where I could peek in on her. I will have to do from home. I struggle with this because my sons inevitably end up walking by the computer and commenting on their sister and asking questions and frankly, sometimes I just want to deal with my own emotions and not have the noise of theirs. That is not to suggest theirs don't matter, or that I don't attend to them, but rather that I enjoyed some silent alone time where I could check up on their sister, my daughter.
Speaking of my sons, a few weeks go the project that son my eldest son did last year that featured his sister fell off his bedroom wall. I did not pick it up and instead, casually (and probably inappropriately) pushed it a bit under his bed. It is still hard for me to see how much my darling amazing son Nikolas thinks about his sister. I wish I could offer him hope. I wish I could answer his questions that inquire why she wants nothing to do with me or with him. I cannot. Only she knows. Having that project hanging on his wall (he hung it, not me) was a daily stab in the heart.
He picked it up in recent days and posted it back on his wall, to the left side of his bed, right about head/pillow level. I did not question it but something inside me felt pinched. I am sorry Nikolas. I am sorry, Mommy gave away your older sister and that she is not in your life.
We leave for Chicago on Sunday morning. While it promises to be a fabulously rainy week in the Windy city, I am unphased. It is still time away with my sons. It is hotels and swimming pools and museums and Chicago deep dish pizza. I have decided to be a tourist in every sense of the word. I will not visit any of my old haunts, I will not make it an adoption themed trip (And trust me, I could. I have TONS of work I could do out there). I will focus on my sons and my boyfriend and enjoy my time with them. I will do my best to not focus on the fact that it was in that city that I was a mother for three days to my first born. I will not focus on the fact that the baby brokers former office is a few steps away from the hotel I am staying at. I will not allow adoption trauma to destroy this trip even if I am in the city where the trauma occurred. I refuse to.
I began working on my AAC presentation (finally). Drafting it on a chronological time line view. I got to the beginning of my second trimester (which is where the agency entered the picture) and I had a panic attack. Tight chest, dizzy, could not breathe, ringing in my ears. I had to stop. At least I got that far. I will continue with it when I return from vacation.
I am thinking alot lately about adoptee integration. Can they really integrate their dual identities? A dear friend is struggling with this (massively) and it aches my heart for her (and of course for my daughter). Yes, they have two names, two families, two birth certificate but does it ALWAYS have to be that way? Do they have no power (separate from OBCS I realize) to integrate that? I suspect I am unable to truly appreciate the complexity of the situation since I am not an adoptee but gosh, how my heart yearns for some peace for these loved ones of mine. I have had friends take back their original names. I have seen others be adopted back. I have seen others cease contact with natural or adoptive families that refused to acknowledge who they were in their entirety. I thought those sorts of actions helped. Am I wrong to assume (perhaps erroneously) such actions help with integration. I asked my friend that is struggling with this if she is unable to do because SHE cannot or because others will not let her. Does she stay as two people because it suits her adoptive parents or because it suits her (or both?). My heart aches for my friend and all adoptees that are not allowed to be who they are but rather have to be a dancing bear in someone elses fantasy. Damn you adoptive and natural parents who cannot accept what was done to our children! Damn you for your denial and avoidance and emotional weakness. Damn adoption….I wish I could help my friend. I hate that my daughter must live with this too. Part of me suspects one of the reasons she avoids me is that it is easier to live in one identity by ignoring the existence of the other.
Wow. That was a passionate ramble.
Finally, before I head out to lunch, I want to wish good luck to my adoptee friend L/J in Georgia. Her first mother has been located but my friend is awaiting contact. Please think good positive thoughts for her. She, like every other adoptee I know and love, deserves the best.