List of Random Musings

 “A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it.” -  Marcelene Cox quotes
 

I am headed off to Chicago for five days and I am going to try really really hard to avoid the Internet. And by that I mean the Internet that is accessed via a computer cuz, like, I kinda always have the Internet on my iPhone. If I fail, my failing will be that I upload pictures to my flickr.

Lots of material floating in my head but unable to get it out in the right form. Hence, a list post.

  • My daughters tmblr site was blocked by my company firewall. Boo to that. I looked forward to points in the day where I could peek in on her. I will have to do from home. I struggle with this because my sons inevitably end up walking by the computer and commenting on their sister and asking questions and frankly, sometimes I just want to deal with my own emotions and not have the noise of theirs. That is not to suggest theirs don't matter, or that I don't attend to them, but rather that I  enjoyed some silent alone time where I could check up on their sister, my daughter.

  • Speaking of my sons, a few weeks go the project that son my eldest son did last year that featured his sister fell off his bedroom wall. I did not pick it up and instead, casually (and probably inappropriately) pushed it a bit under his bed. It is still hard for me to see how much my darling amazing son Nikolas thinks about his sister. I wish I could offer him hope. I wish I could answer his questions that inquire why she wants nothing to do with me or with him. I cannot. Only she knows. Having that project hanging on his wall (he hung it, not me) was a daily stab in the heart.

    He picked it up in recent days and posted it back on his wall, to the left side of his bed, right about head/pillow level. I did not question it but something inside me felt pinched. I am sorry Nikolas. I am sorry, Mommy gave away your older sister and that she is not in your life.

  • We leave for Chicago on Sunday morning. While it promises to be a fabulously rainy week in the Windy city, I am unphased. It is still time away with my sons. It is hotels and swimming pools and museums and Chicago deep dish pizza. I have decided to be a tourist in every sense of the word. I will not visit any of my old haunts, I will not make it an adoption themed trip (And trust me, I could. I have TONS of work I could do out there). I will focus on my sons and my boyfriend and enjoy my time with them. I will do my best to not focus on the fact that it was in that city that I was a mother for three days to my first born. I will not focus on the fact that the baby brokers former office is a few steps away from the hotel I am staying at.  I will not allow adoption trauma to destroy this trip even if I am in the city where the trauma occurred. I refuse to.

  • I began working on my AAC presentation (finally). Drafting it on a chronological time line view. I got to the beginning of my second trimester (which is where the agency entered the picture) and I had a panic attack. Tight chest, dizzy, could not breathe, ringing in my ears. I had to stop. At least I got that far. I will continue with it when I return from vacation.

  • I am thinking alot lately about adoptee integration. Can they really integrate their dual identities? A dear friend is struggling with this (massively) and it aches my heart for her (and of course for my daughter). Yes, they have two names, two families, two birth certificate but does it ALWAYS have to be that way? Do they have no power (separate from OBCS I realize) to integrate that? I suspect I am unable to truly appreciate the complexity of the situation since I am not an adoptee but gosh, how my heart yearns for some peace for these loved ones of mine. I have had friends take back their original names. I have seen others be adopted back. I have seen others cease contact with natural or adoptive families that refused to acknowledge who they were in their entirety. I thought those sorts of actions helped. Am I wrong to  assume (perhaps erroneously) such actions help with integration. I asked my friend that is struggling with this if she is unable to do because SHE cannot or because others will not let her. Does she stay as two people because it suits her adoptive parents or because it suits her (or both?). My heart aches for my friend and all adoptees that are not allowed to be who they are but rather have to be a dancing bear in someone elses fantasy.  Damn you adoptive and natural parents who cannot accept what was done to our children! Damn you for your denial and avoidance and emotional weakness. Damn adoption….I wish I could help my friend. I hate that my daughter must live with this too. Part of me suspects one of the reasons she avoids me is that it is easier to live in one identity by ignoring  the existence of the other.

    Wow. That was a passionate ramble.

Finally, before I head out to lunch, I want to wish good luck to my adoptee friend L/J in Georgia. Her first mother has been located but my friend is awaiting contact.  Please think good positive thoughts for her. She, like every other adoptee I know and love, deserves the best.

Lunch calls.

8 Thoughts.

  1. Have a fun time in Chicago. I think it is sorta funny that you seem to go there more than I do.
    Now about your last point. GREAT question. The answer is no, it doesn’t always have to be that way. Personally, I can’t imagine living a dual life with two identities and two families. Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach, and I think I would end up in a mental institution if I were somehow forced to live two separate lives.
    I’ve said before many times, I gave up being adopted when I was found as a teenager. I simply gave it up, and it was relatively easy. And given how my dreams did NOT pan out, I would do still do it again without hesitation.
    That said, it pains me to no end that I will never be my authentic self. I will never be the person I was born to be. Worse than being abandoned by my mother is this fact that I will live the rest of my days never knowing who I should have been.
    BUT that said, giving up being adopted, saying fuck this two families shit, is the closest I could possibly come to being the person I am supposed to be. And that gives me some measure of peace.
    The state of NY issued a falsified birth certificate, but I never had two mothers, or a replacement mother. The state and society wanted me to accept a new family, but I couldn’t do that not even if I had wanted to.
    I hope that answers your question.

  2. Elizabeth – THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experience and thoughts. I want to believe, deeply, that adoptees are capable of having the power to choose this for themselves. I hate that they have to but I want to believe that they can stand up and demand to be seen as ONE person and not too and define that for themselves.
    I see so many adoptees, many years and years into reunion, still living two lives and it sickens me (for them). As you alluded to, I cannot imagine having to do that. As it was, I had my own pseudo two lives (one a mom not a mom, doing what others wanted versus what wanted, etc.). I know that conflict from my own perspective and can only assume it is BILLIONS times worse for adoptees.
    I want that power for you, for my friend and of course, for my darling M.
    Thanks again.

  3. I don’t know, for me the constant state of division is hellish. I am not like Elizabeth, in that I can’t give up my adoptive family, I just can’t.
    At the same time I haven’t even come close to integration. That is why my blog is named what it is, my nmom interpreted to mean division as in dept. I meant division as in the act of being divided.

  4. JoyJoy – My foolish hope is that it doesn’t have to be an either/or as you suggest it is for your situation. Elizabeth picked what worked for her (and I dont know her story well enough to know if she “gave up” her adoptive family) as some adoptees choose to be adopted back, take their original name back and other.
    Is it not possible for adoptees to have BOTH families? Doesn’t the natural family and the adoptive family have some responsibility in this duality (I say yes)?
    My friend in question has (like many) an adoptive family that completely ignores her adoptee trauma. I find that selfish at best on their part. I like to dream that if her adoptive family embraced her wound, and THEIR part in it (as well as her natural mothers part), that doing so would lend itself very well to the integration of my friend or any adoptee.

  5. Yes Suz Joy is right, I did give them up. We have no relationship, we don’t even exchange xmas cards. They are like old neighbors I used to know way back when, and there is no need to contact them. They were never my family, not in my heart.
    Sometimes I fear that they hate me for what I did. That is not a pleasant feeling, but I always remind myself that I never signed any papers, they adopted me without my consent. I was an innocent.

  6. Elizabeth – Thank you for clarifying. I had no knowledge. Regardless, if it works for you (even in light of your dreams with your natural family not working out) I say kudos to you for taking back your power, your sanity, and doing what you needed to do for you.

  7. Suz, I wish I could figure out how to subscribe to you again. I was and still try to be an avid reader. But you know how it is, without a hit in the head reminder of new post, I catch up when I can.
    I wish I was going to the AAC conference and could meet and hear you and Margie speak, among others. Next time perhaps…
    Thanks for reading me. BIG HUGS, D.

  8. I hope you all have a wonderful week in rainy Chicago 🙂
    As to your question? I honestly don’t think it can be possible, although it terrifies me to say it. Unless, like Elizabeth, you take the step of completely separating from a portion of the experience, how could it not all be there?
    I’m reading “Once They Hear My Name,” which is a collection of memoirs of adopted Koreans, and this theme weaves through every single story.
    Although I know that I, as an AP, can’t prevent this, I CAN make supporting my children through it my life’s priority. It is really frightening, though, to encounter so many APs who blow this off, pretend it’s not a genuine experience, and force their children to choose.

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