"A few years ago, I believed by sharing my truth and breaking my silence, my very life would be threatened. Breaking the silence and "telling secrets" takes courage. I have discovered there is more danger in keeping secrets. If violence cannot be talked about, it cannot be stopped." – Coral Anika Theill, BONSHEA: Making Light of the Dark
I am tired today.
I went to bed at a decent hour but I slept fitfully and had to get up early.
I know from experience my tiredness is more like "emotionally drained-edness".
I spent the weekend with Margie of Thirdmom, Joanna of glac le faoi rún , and my boyfriend. Margie and I got together to brainstorm and plan the session we are co-presenting for American Adoption Congress. My boyfriend and Joanna had been invited along to comment on our thoughts, to give us surrogate audience advice. My boyfriend is an "other". He is not torched by adoption in anyway and comes at it with the viriginal view of it being a win-win for all involved. (He knows better now). Joanna is an adoptee in reunion. Their feedback and commentary was priceless.
I transported "the box" to Philly and shared some of the contents with Margie, boyfriend and Joanna.
It was tough.
At one point in the day I recited the timeline of my experience – from pregnancy, to shipment to a maternity home, to surrender. I havent ever done this with anyone. It was odd, surreal, triggering, to recite it outloud to someone. I broke down several times. I held back A LOT of tears. (I still fear that if I let that damn break I will never stop crying). I worried I was upsetting Joanna. I was afraid my boyfriend was bored to death and/or freaked out and/or struggling with all the pain he was witnessing in my face.
I, we, they managed.
We accomplished what we set out to. We left with quite a few action items.
And I am exhausted.
It takes me days to recover from heavy adoption trauma work. I walk around in a fog, rather confused, a bit of an automaton.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I find myself terribly envious of those that can live in denial and avoid adoption work and truths.
I bet they arent as tired as I am.
I have more to say on this past weekend but as noted, I am tired. I need to decompress a bit. Assess. Ponder.