Masking

"You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on and individual level. It's got to happen inside first. You can take away a man's political freedom and you won't hurt him- unless you take away his freedom to feel. That can destroy him. That kind of freedom can't be granted. Nobody can win it for you. " – Jim Morrison

I like Marley's suggestion that you cannot bleed forever. I like that the suggestion came from an adoptee and I further like that it seems to imply some sort of conscious choice, as in, I choose to not let this kill me any longer.

I also like Justice's suggestion that perhaps its a period of rest to gear me up for something that may happen in the future (like maybe a meeting?). Maybe its a rest stop on the reunion highway complete with girl scouts giving out free coffee and krispy creme donuts.

My suspicion (or maybe my fear) is that it is neither.

Current thinking is that the pain is being masked. I am distracted by some wonderful positive changes in my life and while I focus there, I am NOT focusing on the pain caused by the absence of my daughter and her avoidance of me. I simply don't have the time. If I am to enjoy the positive things, I must stop "enjoying" the negative ones.

I am looking forward and not backward. The pain is ever present, the rage, the anger, the sadness still rests comfortably on virtual chairs in my emotional apartment. I am just passing them by.  I am choosing comfier chairs to rest on. 

Again I ponder. Good, bad  or otherwise? Avoidance?

I feel okay with her absence and her lack of desire to know me, meet me, etc. Shoot, I have had nearly four years to accept this. What I struggle with of late is the outright avoidance.   That hurts.  And it doesn't necessarily hurt because she does it. It hurts because so many others have done the same and she seems to have just picked up on it. It is hard to separate out her treatment of me from the way others have treated me. Am I angry at her or angry at them or is it a little of both?

My parents ignored my feelings. 

My daughters father ignored my feelings.

The agency ignored my feelings. I was not a human being. I was an incubator producing a product they would sell. Machines don't have feelings (they just make great babies).

The adoptive parents ignored my feelings. They did not know me, my name, my life, my situation.  I was no one to them. Not a person. They were merely waiting with open arms for the agency/ sellers to meet their demand.  They weren't thinking of me. They were thinking of themselves.

Society ignored my feelings and conditioned my daughter to do it as well.

I am a non-entity. I don't exist to her, to "them". If I do, and it is uncomfortable to them, they can demonize me and call me an abandoner,  incubator, whore or not the "real" mother  and continue to avoid me and my feelings.

Yes, yes, you can cite adoptee psychology and primal wound, and when you do that, to justify her actions and her feelings, YOU are ignoring mine

I don't dare suggest she doesn't have a reason, right, explanation for her behavior or that her feelings don't matter. They do.

It is just that mine do too.

And right now, while someone new in my life is making me feel good, I seem to be thinking less about those that don't.

Masking?

 Or something else?

3 Thoughts.

  1. Maybe you don’t have to label it, just observe it.
    It’s GREAT that you’ve got something good to focus on! Focusing on the crap doesn’t change it.
    You’re realizing the power of owning and caring for your own feelings. Me too. The better we take care of ourselves the more available we are for others.

  2. You’re realizing the power of owning and caring for your own feelings.
    Indeed I am, Justice. In so many ways with so many people. This has been a tough thing to learn. When you are told by so many that your feelings don’t matter, it is very difficult, strange, to realize they do and to allow them to breathe.

  3. Wow, i was totally just talking (crying) to Ken today about how adoption situations create a phenomenon of feeling like you don’t even exist… I guess it’s just as bad if not worse for the moms too. 🙁
    Sometimes all you can do is enjoy the little time you have to spend with sanity. 🙂

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