"It is your world. Shape it or someone else will" – Gary Lew
I thought I gave warning.
Please note I am going to be password protecting this blog for a bit. I am not going to write here. You wont be missing anything. I don't want to delete it. I may clean it up. May blurb it. May change the layout or delete some posts.
I just need a break. I don't know how to do this without locking it down and typepad only allows me to password protect my entire site – not just certain posts. (Which is one reason why I moved my NAR blog to WordPress)
I am having a really rough time. This time is matched only by the time immediately following the loss of my daughter in 1986. I don't know what the trigger is. I don't know the source. I just know that I am struggling.
When I am struggling like this comments from angry adoptees that don't even know me, who call me a jerk and mock me and call me names with thinly disguised contempt, I struggle. I understand adoptees are angry and hurt but I am not THEIR mother and I will not be the stand in for her. I dont deserve it. I will not tolerate being hated for what I represent to someone, for what I am versus who I am. I dont deserve it.
When adoptive moms tell me I really need help with my anger, hatred and hurt, I am brought down, not up. It is so easy for those that benefitted from the sale of our children to tell us what to feel. Walk in my shoes, feel my empty womb and broken heart and then tell me how I should handle my pain.
I need a break.
Yes, it is true the time to write my daughter is fast approaching. Yes, it is true I am incredibly anxious and worried about this. It is also the time of year that my life fell apart in 1985. The time of year when my life as I knew it, the person I was and was intended to be, was forever indelibly changed. A few weeks from now, only twenty years ago, I was packing my bags to head off to a maternity home. I ignored this time in years past. I focused on the holidays. I pretended the pain wasnt there.
It is there. It has been there. It was always there. Ignoring it only gives it more power. I am done with that.
I am not doing well. I feel angry and weepy and sad and more.
Unlike in years past, I am not going to ignore this. I am not going to say its okay or normal or to be expected or other. I am not going to sweep it under the rug and pretend it is not there. I am going to embrace it and work through it. The only way out is through.
However, to do this, to embrace this pain, I need to focus less on it – or at least certain parts of it. This may sound odd but it is true. I need to focus on joy and that which brings me joy. Rarely does writing about adoption trauma bring me joy. I enjoy writing. I enjoy being told people enjoy my writing. I dont enjoy writing about adoption.
I need to continue to see my therapist and delve deeper into the emotions that plague me. I cannot do all this and blog here.
I feel an responsibility to my friends, my readers and and visitors. It is my nature. I am a helper, particularly to the misunderstoodd, maligned, hurt, aching and abused. I blog with the goal of helping others - not necessarily myself. That is very wrong.
I must help myself now.
Hang in there with me.
Will password protect in a day or so. Will likely be back at some point. Perhaps after the new year. Hopefully with new, fresh, positive content.
I welcome emails at bluestokking at gmail dot com or a random NAR comment on my other blog.