"Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious…” – Michael Stipe
Over the past few months, I have given serious thought to shutting down this blog. I ponder the root cause and possible effect of doing so for days and without fail, every single time I lean towards shutting this down, I get a private email from a reader that has never commented telling me how much they learn from my blog, offering me support and encouragement and thanking me.
This will forever astound me. It is like strangers in cyberspace are in my head and know that I am thinking of shutting this down and they rally and send me thoughts that prevent me from executing on the shutdown.
(Lauren, you were the most recent one to do this).
I am still pondering the shut down. I don't like blogging this because I feel it will cause all these people to come out and say "Don't go." I am not after any warm fuzzies or validation for who I am or what I do or don't do. I am not blogging this to get anyone to suddenly come and show me some love. I am blogging it because I have always said if I went away I would say so before I did (see my post "And Then They Go Poof").
There are a few thoughts simmering in my heart of late.
My daughter doesn't like this blog. She doesn't like me being public or speaking out. She doesn't like what she calls being part of my "social campaign for justice". Her dislike of this blog translates to me to be a dislike of me. Misguided as it may be, there is a part of me that cannot help but wonder if I did not blog might she like me more? Might she consider meeting me? This furry little thought runs around my head for days on end. I can debate the the merit of that thought. I can suggest that I should stand up for me first and my daughter second. I can say its not my blog she dislikes but the fact she was adopted at all and my blog is just a massive mirror of that which she would prefer not see. I can say I need to parent me and then her. I can say that I need to care about me first if I ever expect anyone else to. I can offer that by speaking out for me I am speaking out for her and her children in the future. I can argue that I try gosh darned hard to limit what I say here to protect her but in the end does it matter? I just don't know. I do know that more than anything in the world (even more than wanting to change adoption, sorry, I am selfish at times) I want to hold my daughter again and tell her I love her. I want to hear the sound of her voice, watch her hair blow in the breeze, hear her laugh, sniffle, cough and breathe. I just want to be in the room with her again. I want to be permitted to buy her birthday presents that don't make her puke. I want my oldest son who draws pictures for his sister and hangs them on the wall to be able to actually hand them to her and for her to thank him and compliment his artwork. If this blog is preventing that in any way shape or form (and how can I ever truly know?), I think I should shut it down. And then I accept the harsh reality that my daughter may NEVER want to be part of my life. Do I put my life on hold forever only to find out I made a bad decision? Do I exchange my life for hers a second time?
My Personal Life
Soon I will be divorced two years. I only recently gave serious thought to dating. Sure I have had dates in two years. Made some great male friends that did not end up being relationships (Mr. Dink, for example). I find that I actually shy away from relationships due to my adoption work. I have found that my degree of involvement in adoption work was not only problematic for my ex husband, but for men I have met as well. They either view me as a woman with way too much baggage or an anarchist, whistle-blower, pariah, or worse. Few, if any men I have met, see and respect what I went through and why I do what I do. This makes me sad. I want to be in a relationship again. I do. But I am feeling, again, that I must split off myself to do that. This is fucked up. I realize that. Mr. Dink did get this stuff. Even my friend I will call Mr. Husky seemed to kinda get it. But they are male friends, not relationships, I have yet to find a man who can see this as it is and not be threatened or disturbed by it. (Do I need to date a male adoptee or first dad?) I want them to see and respect it as part of me but not ALL of me. Yet they don't. It freaks them out. I am still branded only now it is of my own choosing. (One also cannot help but wonder if I did have a relationship would I even want to do this stuff? My therapist once suggested that my adoption work was the filler for the void left by a broken marriage. Since my husband was not there due to travel, I filled that void with adoption. Then my husband caught on to what was happening but I was too far gone into the abyss for him to bring me back. What might happen if I had a loving relationship?)
When meeting or dating someone, the very tech savvy gent will google me. (It is okay, I do him too) and waaaay before I have even decided to become physically intimate with a man I am emotionally naked in front of him by virtue of this blog. He can slurp this blog without my knowledge (well, kinda) and may tell me or not. This actually happened to me (read post "Dating Adoption Trauma") He might just decide not to call me again.
Would closing this blog and being a bit less public help my relationship prospects or would it hurt my own healing because to accomplish that I might split myself off again? Again, can I ever know?
Non Adoption Related Goals
There are things I want to do that require time. To find that time I need to do less adoption related work, and yeah, less blogging. I want to write more but more creative writing. (And even as I say that my freshman college creative writing Professor T. McGinn echoes in my head "Writers write what they know." I know adoption trauma). I want to go to a writers retreat. I want to take classes in New Media at our community college. I want to complete a Certification I started in Strategic Communications Management. I want to go to the gym regularly as I am seriously out of shape and seriously feeling it of late. I need to diet and exercise more. All these things in addition to working full time and mommying require TIME. Time I just don't have.
If there above three topics are not enough, note there are more. I wont go into agonizing detail.
Suffice it to say, I just dont know what to do.
It makes me cry and feel terribly sick.