None of them talk about the unending grief and symptoms of PTSD that most mothers will experience from losing their children. Many women bury these emotions for years (after all, we were told to "get over it!"), usually until at least a year into reunion with their child, at which point the repressed memories re-surface and devastating flashbacks begin. A natural parent’s PTSD can introduce an added complication into the reunion, especially if the adoptee is not aware that this is a common occurance.
I woke up crying this morning.
An adoption induced nightmare caused me to greet the morning sun with a river of tears.
I hate this. Gosh, how I hate this. It never goes away.
Last nights nightmare was about my casewrecker. My guess is that my recent posting here and also the adoption triggering incident in the first grade class room yesterday combined to create a perfect emotional storm. Lovely.
I did manage to fall back asleep but the weird feelings lead me into another odd dream with a male friend of mine, his ex-wife, his son, my ex husband and our sons. It was very strange.
Anxiety at its best.
It is mornings like this that make me wonder if my therapists insistence on different therapies doesn’t warrant further consideration. He is not pushing…he just randomly mentions this approach or that approach. I have, to date, been avoidant. I figure when I am ready to dig deeper I will. I am fairly consistent in that manner. I do things in my time, sometimes rather impulsively. I will ruminate over something for weeks, days, even years and then BAM I will just decide I am tired of it and will attack it full force. It can be a bit disconcerting to those that know and love me. I tend to keep these things to myself, my loved ones wont even have a hint that I am struggling with something and then I will announce some new fangled thing in my life to deal with something they never knew existed.
I am trying my best to shake the residue from last nights dream.
I wish I could shake off that casewrecker.