“If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it.” – Marcus Aurelius
Again the question with answers that should be pretty obvious.
I received this from an anonymous commentor. It was kinda nasty and in keeping with my own personal policy to delete asshat comments, I removed it. Even still, it did provide me with a writing prompt, so thank you very much asshat commentor.
“Why should you care if your daughter was hit as a child? You gave up your right to discipline her.”
The second part is entirely true. I did give up my rights to discipline her. However, as I have said a gajillion times I did not give up my love or concern for her. Had she been parented by me, she would not have been hit. (Again, I have NO idea if she was, it is merely one of those many anxiety inducing adoption related issues of mine. I have a uncanny ability to think of her all the time, under all circumstances, and forever worry about her. Imagine that? Mothers don’t forget!).
However, this really speaks to a bigger issue, an issue I constantly talk about. Specifically it speaks to how expectant mothers are deceived, manipulated and lied to during the most vulnerable time of their life.
I must say discipline never occurred to me in 1986. Never once did I think that my daughter might ever grow up being hit, abused, with an alcoholic parent, a narcissist mother or anything negative or hurtful in her life. (Again, I am speaking figuratively, I have no idea if these apply to her or her adoptive family).
It was made very clear to me that all adoptive parents were seated at the right hand of God. They were PURFECTO. Uber grand. Super parents. They even had a nifty home study document that proved it. They were certified fabu parents.
Why would I question if someone would hit a child when they had gotten the gold seal of approval from some agency saying they were super human? If my child’s own mother wasn’t good enough for her, those that WERE, had to float amongst the angels, right?
But see, agencies don’t tell expectant mothers that. They don’t tell us
“Look, your child is going to go to a regular old infertile couple that currently has marriage problems due to their infertility. The father has a history of alcoholism in his family. The wife is from a divorced family and grew up in a trailer park. Her father beat her mother. Both managed to graduate high school. The wife is currently working two jobs to pay for the hefty agency fee. The husband is a sanitation technician that really loves his job. They rent a small three room apartment. They will turn the dining room into the baby’s nursery. Based on their family history and upbringing there is a good chance they will divorce and the father will become an alcoholic that might even beat his wife and your child. They are regular old normal people with regular problems and no super human powers. They might divorce. They might die. They might molest your child. They might kill your child (but we won’t tell you about that, after all, you will have moved on). They might also love your child and take very good care of her. We simply cannot know. Its a crapshoot, you know?
If they don’t like your child, we have a good return policy that allows them to return her (but not to you) and get another one of higher quality. Isn’t that wonderful? Your beautiful precious child is going to go NORMAL REGULAR PEOPLE. They are no better than you and there is no guarantee your child will have a better life than the one they could have with you, but hey, can you sign here? Its getting late. Tick Tock, Tick Tock.”
(Dont believe me? I have a hand written profile from the agency on my daughters adoptive family. The ONLY thing negative in there is about their fertility struggles. All that did was make me feel sorry for them and make me feel like they deserved my child even more. There was nothing in there that was at all negative. Come on, get real, we all have negative aspects of our lives and families.)
Adoption in the 80s and many times still today, depends heavily on elevating the adoptive parents to Supreme Being status. By doing so, the agencies and parents can plug into the mothers natural instinct to give her child the best. If adoptive parents are higher, that means she is lower and she is no good for her child. Naturally a mother will give her child the perceived better chance.
Besides my natural love and concern for my child, I am regularly battling the BS that the industry fed me. I constantly have to accept that I was naïve, young, used, abused, taken advantage of and I abandoned my child to those abusers. (Abusers being the agency, not her adoptive parents, again, I don’t know them but I am pretty sure they are regular fallible people just like me).
So yes, dear asshat, I do care if my child was ever spanked, because as my friend Claud said in a video “it wasn’t supposed to be that way”. I did not sign up for my child to be abused. You can argue that I should have assumed that, should have realized that normal people adopt children, but you weren’t there and you were not fed the lines of horse doody that I was. Don’t tell me the truth NOW. It should have been told to me THEN.
More on this topic later.
Specifically, if my child WAS abused in ANY way, would I want her to tell me?
The short answer is a resounding YES. I can explain why in another post.