WANTED: Answers

"Chase after the truth like all hell and you’ll free yourself, even though you never touch its coattails." – Clarence Darrow

My adoption caseworkerwrecker has been on my mind lately.

I don’t know why.

I googled her again. Did not get any hits. I keep hoping I will find a photo or listing of her current employment. Last known address puts her in Richmond, IL.

I have written to her over the years. In fact, when I was being scammed by someone who claimed to be my daughter, I contacted her for help. She refused to give it. (Read Scam I Am).

I realize now that I really wanted her to write me. I wanted her to contact me and I wanted her to tell me she really did care about me, that she did not know how unethical the agency was, and that she regrets doing what she did to me.

I liked her back then. I thought she was neat, cool, together, accomplished, college educated. She had short spiky hair, was always tan and had that northern IL/Southern Wisconsin accent. She said "Shi-CAWW-GO" where I said "Shi-CAH-Go". She lived in Mundelien, IL back then.  Wimpole Street. I remember the oddest details.

I liked her. She was my only friend. My only support. I trusted her.

But that was the point, right?

For her to gain my trust so she could manipulate me? She was being PAID to be my friend so she could get my child to give to her employer so he could sell her. It was never about me. It was always about my child and how much she was worth on the open market. I wonder if she got an extra bonus? Were there kickers built into her employment contract?

Its hurts me to think of her today.

It hurts me that she has never answered me. Never responded to my letters. That she truly never liked me or cared about me. I still don’t want to believe that. Why is that? I suppose I am still holding on to some shred of belief that she liked me because if she didn’t, then it is completely true that she used me. She knew what she was doing and why.

Her lack of response, to me, is proof of her guilt. She avoids me for a reason.

It is all so ugly.

And that makes me sad.

I still want her to be nice and neat and cool and to care about me.

And that makes me mad.

I am still, in some small part of my mind, trying to put white icing on a piece of shit. I am still trying to make someone, something, be better, nicer, prettier than it really is.

If it looks like shit, smells like shit, chances are pretty good it is shit.

I am still justifying the shitty behavior of others and making it all my fault.

As hard core as I may be about facing the truth, there are parts of me that are still frolicking in denial believing that she, the almighty caseworker, gave a rats ass about me. She was right and I was wrong.

I want to know for sure. One way or the other, I have a need to know.

It feels like an open door to me still.

Her avoidance of me, her refusal to confirm or deny her guilt, leaves me hanging. I just want her to tell me that she saw me as a stupid naive girl that had been thrown away by her family and therefore was easy prey. I want her to tell me she did what she did to me consciously and she feels bad about it. Or I want her to tell me she still believes to this day it was the best thing. Or I want her to tell me she believed it then but has since come to regret what she did and wishes she has discussed parenting with me and had never threatened me with that promissory note and lawsuit.

I just want her to answer me. I don’t care what she says. I just want to know.

I want closure.

Damn it, I just want answers.

19 Thoughts.

  1. How sad that all our stories are so similar. When I was first contacted, I also asked the agency to simply say “yes or no” to the name I was given, if only for protection from a possible imposter. They wouldn’t even do that – so much for their “utmost concern” about us!
    As for the social worker, I know that mine is dead, and I have contemplated visiting her grave for the sole purpose of spitting on it. Ha, I’ve also thought about chanting spells, voodoo, you name it, anything that would cause her family to suffer the same type of separation I, and many of her other victims, have endured. Does that make me a bad person?
    I guess I kinda believe in karma, so I don’t do it for fear it will backfire on me. She probably created her own bad karma for her family anyway, just by virture of working in the adoption industry, so I’ll assume the universe will take care of her one way or another.

  2. Interesting comment by maybe – my social worker is dead too (I would like to think of it as Karma – she stole 25 years of my son’s childhood from me so it is fitting that she never got to be a senior citizen).
    I would dance on her grave but I can’t be bothered wasting the air fare to do so.
    Suz – are you sure your social worker is still alive? She could be dead too if you are not getting any hits for her. Just a thought.

  3. Cath – She is only ten years older than me (meaning she is 51) so I assume she is still alive. She was 28 when she was my casewrecker.
    I still find listings for her on zabasearch but she doesnt answer my calls or letters. I assume she is intentionally avoiding dealing with me.

  4. Interesting that you should bring this up because someday – I have been mulling it over in my mind lately – I want to do a post on my blog about the adoption workers.
    I suspect many of them are not dead. Mine was not that much older than me, maybe 5 or 6 years. Lets face it these people were not far away from being kids themselves.
    I know many of you had money involved in your experience but I really don’t think it is about the money completely. It was also about those oh so grateful parents while forgetting about those oh so hurting young women.
    I find their absence on the blogosphere interesting – where are their voices – strangely silent – maybe because they know.

  5. UM – Do tell. Do write. Will look forward to it. I am sure you will comment on the false belief that many of us had (or our parents had) that those trained to take our children were actual educated social workers (as in LS< MSW, etc.). Many were not. In fact, to my knowlege, my casewrecker was nothing more than a 28 yo college grad. From what I was told, she later went on to teach school in an alternative school in Florida. I dont recall her every saying she was a licensed social worker (and I can find no proof that she ever was). She was, it appears, completely ill equipped to give me any true guidance or therapy which only substantiates my belief her sole purpose was to get my child at all costs.

  6. She was, it appears, completely ill equipped to give me any true guidance or therapy which only substantiates my belief her sole purpose was to get my child at all costs.
    My son’s was a private adoption. Through an attorney my father found in another state through an old friend of his. There was no counseling, not even a pretense. I was flown there for the sole purpose of finishing my pregnancy in secret and giving up my child, housed in exchange for babysitting with a friend of the attorney’s for five months until I gave birth.
    No discussion. Done deal. I had nothing but my fantasies about running away. I had no one to talk to about my options. Not that you did. It was the case-wreckers job to keep you on track.
    I hate that you thought you had a relationship with this woman and now she won’t answer you. But of course she can’t. Either she knows the damage she has done and wants to hide, or she doesn’t get it and wants to hide. I know you want closure, but I don’t think you’re going to get it from her.
    A friend of mine upon hearing my story, and with no connection to adoption, once said that I probably would have been better off in a maternity home because I would have received counseling. AS IF!
    The details and circumstances of our losing our children don’t matter. It was all about getting the babies, however it was accomplished.
    Sorry that I can’t provide something more positive, some hope that she will apologize for what she helped do to you. I’m sure she looks at it as “just doing her job.”
    You will likely have to let go of getting an apology or explanation from her. Wish that weren’t so… wish you could get more…

  7. My son’s adoption was private also. I attacked my search for truth and got a conspiracy of silence. The adoptive father was a lawyer with connections — a judge doing a favor, the lawyer who “represented” me was his best friend (everyone say OUCH). I wanted answers and apologies something fierce. Their silence screams their guilt. I know some don’t believe in God. My journey through reunion has strengthened my faith. My peace comes from trusting that God is and will be the ultimate judge and His justice will be fair and perfect. Though I don’t know any of you in person we are so connected by our experiences and pain. I wish all of us peace.

  8. I just had an amazing thought! We are caught up in a battle so old that it is the cause of the middle east crisis! The bitterness over Sara and Haggi, Sara was barren and forced Haggi (her slave) to bear and child for her and then “suddenly” Sara conceives, sound familar???? So then with her “own” child, she get’s “rid” of Haggi and her baby (helpless slaves)and they are thrown to the wolves to die in the desert. Haggi’s son is the modern father of all the Arab nations, and Sara’s son modern Israel. . . No solution or peace has been found to date. But God isn’t finished yet . . . is He?????

  9. It is unconscionable that this woman has never responded to you. Shame on her for ignoring your requests, and more shame that she used you this way.

  10. It still ticks me off to this day that I can’t remember my caseworker’s name. I know it HAS to be a subconcious block because all the names I have heard mentioned by you and others at ehbabes should have sparked some memory and truthfully when I look back at that time, I cannot even see her face.
    Odd.
    Hugs chica!

  11. I’m a lurker, also known as birthmother 1986. I hear you. I contacted my caseworker and when she got shitty with me, I simply told her that I hope that there is a special place in hell for people like her.

  12. I have so many blocks about this insofar as the date or even the hosp I was at.
    But I remember this SW and I can see her face so clearly. That smirk everytime she called me in to sign the papers and insisted I needed to that. Why was I lagging this on there were no other choices. The great CFC and all their workers who even today are doing the same things.

  13. Yeah I can see a smirk too, Melissa was not a social worker, and you know she was in trouble with the state in 1984, but hey she continued running the game and as far as I know she still does. Sick people work for people like Kurtz and his ilk. Those with no conscience, and frankly, I do hope there is a special place in hell for them.

  14. I am an adoptee who discovered the truth when I was 45.
    I was extremely lucky that my first mom wanted to be found. She was under the impression that I would find out her name when I wrote for my information. BTW, she’s still waiting for MY information (I did sign for her to receive it).
    Social workers are NOT there for the child or the natural parents. They are there for the express intent and purpose of the money machine and adoptive parents. After we are adopted, they don’t give a rat’s butt about us. There is no guideline for the hiring of SWs, nor do they keep their jobs for any length of time.
    If you are angry, imagine me and others like me. But I do have to say THANK YOU to all natural/first/birth parents who have spoken out. Without them, I would never been able to approach my first mom with compassion and a caring attitude. I would also like to say THANK YOU to all those who post their info and their child’s info on different sites so that we may find them.
    And Cath, yes, Karma will come back and kick them in the ass.
    All I can ask is that you support open records in the State where you live and where you gave birth. Read the proposals, write to legislators. Too many of them listen to those who claim that they (or their family) will be harmed if we find out information.
    The good of the child…yeah right. Silence is deadly. It almost killed me.
    Thanks for allowing this post.

  15. I have reoccuring nightmares about the social workers; “. . . Nazi social workers chasing me and I’m on the run from them, like in a war movie. I’m always trying to hide for dear life from them and I’m always alone. They, have the power over life and death and they are my enemy, if they catch me its over . .. They always have the smirk and reek of self-rightousness and greed with a “uniform” to hide behind. They are indeed the BIG BAD WOLF. (Oh grandmother, what big greedy eye’s you have . .oh that’s another nightmare, . . . ) Run, hide, live underground, in the bushes . . just don’t let them catch you . . . then I wake up . . . ”
    Stuff of nightmares and true life villians of the highest order! Scary bitches . . .we lived to see the day where Sodom gets hanged . . . Isn’t it about time for OUR DAY???? What happens to us victims that can’t find justice within the same system that allowed and approve the crime against us? What are we supposed to do with our NEED for truth and justice? I don’t want to be a vigilante??? But . . . I would love to see them caught in the act and prosecuted. Put the SW’s in prison where they belong, that’s why they don’t answer they are afraid someone will press charges. They know they are GUILT as hell. I hope they have nighmare too.

  16. I have reoccuring nightmares about the social workers; “. . . Nazi social workers chasing me and I’m on the run from them, like in a war movie. I’m always trying to hide for dear life from them and I’m always alone. They, have the power over life and death and they are my enemy, if they catch me its over . .. They always have the smirk and reek of self-rightousness and greed with a “uniform” to hide behind. They are indeed the BIG BAD WOLF. (Oh grandmother, what big greedy eye’s you have . .oh that’s another nightmare, . . . ) Run, hide, live underground, in the bushes . . just don’t let them catch you . . . then I wake up . . . ”
    Stuff of nightmares and true life villians of the highest order! Scary bitches . . .we lived to see the day where Sodom gets hanged . . . Isn’t it about time for OUR DAY???? What happens to us victims that can’t find justice within the same system that allowed and approve the crime against us? What are we supposed to do with our NEED for truth and justice? I don’t want to be a vigilante??? But . . . I would love to see them caught in the act and prosecuted. Put the SW’s in prison where they belong, that’s why they don’t answer they are afraid someone will press charges. They know they are GUILT as hell. I hope they have nighmare too.

  17. Sometimes they keep dead folks on zababearch for a while. If there is any question about whether or not this woman is still alive, I find the social security death index is very accurate and up to date. I sincerely hope that if she is alive she decides to do the right thing.

  18. I used to fantasize about getting an apology from this woman (facilitator), or even finding out that she had some remorse, but I know this will never happen.
    She is at least 20 years older than me, good friends with my son’s amother, and with the attorney she hired to “represent” me. (This defines MY adoption triad.) She is listed as my “friend” on my hospital records from when I gave birth to my son – funny I never heard from her again after signing TPR 3 days after my son was born.
    She hides behind the “good” foster-to-adopt program, but from personal exprience I know she has her fingers in the infant trade. There are numerous listing of her/her organization on the web as one of the “good guys in adoption” – if there is such a thing! She even got an award the same year she got my babe. It’s such a kick in the gut.
    I have a google alert on her name. I keep hoping the next time it comes up it will be her ‘effing obituary. Unlike Cath, I think the airfare might well be worth a graveside visit when the time comes, although I don’t see myself dancing so much as peeing on that unholy ground.
    I’m sorry that thoughts and feelings around the social wrecker you dealt with are frustrating and painful, but I understand, and I see from comments here it is pretty common.

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