Stupid Is As Stupid Does

"Emotions are often thought to infringe on our rationality and better judgment. While listening to our instincts and responding to our passions can work in favor of our interests, they are also easily exploited by for influence professionals because emotions affect us so deeply, instantaneously, and indelibly." – The Science of Social Influence – Anthony Pratkanis

A highly educated (as in PhD) first mom friend of mine was recently asked by her childs adoptive mother how it was that such a highly educated woman could have been pressured into surrendering her child. 

I will be candid.

I find this to be a dumb ass question. 

Besides the fact that the PhD came years after the loss of her child to the adoption industry, ones intellectual prowess has no correlation (in my opinion) to being able to fight the forces that work against a young expectant mother. 

Knowing the pythagoream theorem is of very little value when you are sent away, isolated, lied to and manipulated at sixteen years old. If anything, being a smart girl makes your child more in demand and the pressures exerted upon you even greater.  Society has lead many to believe that girls with "potential" should abandon their babies where girls without that same potential are better off keeping.  (Also known as smart white girls dont qualify for social welfare but dumb minorities do, right? WRONG!)

Please dont ask such questions. 

Suggesting that an intellectual woman would not surrender her child perpetuates the myth that only stupid, idiot, crack whores abandon their children to strangers.  Furthermore, it is, to me, another futile attempt to justify separating mother and child. It suggests that since a woman was intelligent she somehow gladly or willingly abandoned her child.  It suggests she knew what she was doing and might have actually had control over the situation. (I wonder why those moms that were drugged and strapped to beds did not pull out their best MacGyver move and get themselves out of that situation?)

The American Adoption industry is an equal opportunity family destroyer.

It does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, gender, religion, age, sexual orientation, intellect, national or ethnic origin, disability, marital status, veteran status, or any other seemingly irrelevant criteria.

11 Thoughts.

  1. There is more here than just a dumb ass question. The adoptive mother really didn’t care where that baby came from as long as she got that baby now did she? She must have told herself (and I hope not the child) how she saved the child from…. you can fill in the blanks.
    Now she is trying to reconcile in her mind the first mother’s intelligence with the act of relinquishment. In other words, I think her head is stuck firmly in the sand, has always been and probably always will be.

  2. People often mistconstrue IQ with potential for success in society. Success in our society is much more dependent on emotional or social intelligence than intellectual. Social intelligence can be acquired as one matures. IQ tends to decline as one ‘matures’.

  3. Sounds to me that this adoptive mother has no IQ points whatsoever to even think, never mind ask such a dumb, stupid and idiotic question like that.

  4. I have had moments of looking at myself now and thinking where was this strong, gutsy, intelligent woman back then when I was pregnant/gave birth.
    Your post is the answer – she was beaten down, broken-hearted, isolated, penniless, terrified, etc., etc.
    Whenever I come up to something difficult in life I always ask myself “Is this as bad as what happened with my son?” The answer is always – no.
    UM

  5. Unreal! Clearly the Amom doesn’t have a PhD. I don’t think Amom’s really know, or don’t want to know, the true experience of a first mom. I think ostrich is part of their job description. Geesh!

  6. Bonnie, it saddens me to think that you and others feel that amom’s are all like this one.
    Speaking for myself, I have always felt deeply for our daughter’s nmom from day one.
    I’m sure there are many other amom’s who feel as I do. We’re not all moron’s like this particular amom is.

  7. The pressures pregnant woman have to withstand come from a lot of places – family, community, medical professionals and counselors, and adoption workers. Unless these come together in support of the woman, it doesn’t make a bit of difference what degrees she has. They’re going to push to get that baby.
    Definitely a dumb ass question.

  8. On re-reading the post as it feedblitz’d in..
    If she has said it to your friend, I think it is a pretty safe bet she has also said it to the adoptee in question.
    Which is too bad.
    A lot of adoptive parents think this whole coercion thing is revisionist history on our parts and they pass that theory on to the “kids”.
    UM
    UM

  9. Guh, seriously some arents actually are clueless aren’t they. For every Mo or HF, there are probably a hundred like this amom. Makes me sad that our mutual friend was asked this, and that the amom seems to be judging her based on very little knowledge of her, or her life. *fumes* Somedays I just wanna holla, know what I mean?
    Love ya chica,
    Mary

  10. Not just stupid, but rude and arrogant! As in “you may be smart, but I got your kid.” Disgusting.

  11. What a rude question. I have to say, the first moms that I know are all very intelligent, and you’re right, Suz, intelligence has nothing to do with whether or not one can be coerced. That’s just ridiculous.

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