"From sublime to ridiculousness there is only one step.” – Napoleon Bonaparte
:: Rant On ::
Two friends in two reunions this week. That translates to two friends being confronted by two adoptive mothers that would have preferred those first moms were not alive. (N.B., In general, we have a shelf life of about nine months and three days. Once our children are in the hands of their new mommies, many prefer to forget that we existed and they do so quite successfully. It is quite a shock to them when we pop up, eighteen years later, not dead and buried but fully functioning decent people thoroughly traumatized by the loss of our children. Our pain is their gain and they greatly dislike facing that reality.)
But I digress.
Each friend was faced with a situation that would have made me spit nails. I don’t know how they managed through it but they did and I am lucky to know them. They can likely counsel me should I ever be faced with such statements.
Odd statement #1
Upon entering in the home of adoptive family, first mom is grabbed harshly by the adoptive mom in what appeared to others to be a giant forceful hug. Adoptive mom is crying and whispers harshly in friends ear "She saved my life. She saved my life. You cannot have her back."
Can I get a big old round of WTF?
Have her back? Um, we aren’t trading Yugio cards here okay? This is a living, breathing, capable young woman able to function on her own and we assume, have a relationship with both her mothers – should she choose to do so.
And what is being implied by saving your life and having her back? Are you now going to DIE since your child has been reunited with the object that gave birth to your human bandaid?
Furthermore, the point of adoption (as it is painted to young expectant mothers) is to save our children from US. It is NOT to save the life of a forty five year old infertile woman. My friend did not surrender her child so some other womans life could be saved. What kind of burden is that to put on a child? And newsflash, most moms that I know, are not thinking of saving the life of some prospective adoptive parent. We are not thinking of you. We are thinking of our child. We are told we are not good enough, wealthy enough and smart enough. We are told girls who have sex outside of marriage are deranged and disturbed and threaten the fabric of society. We are told if we loved our child we would abandon them to strangers. (Effed up, I know). As a last resort, we are told to consider those poor infertile women.
You think of yourself first and how our child can save your life. We think of saving our child’s life (from us, from our family, from poverty). See the disconnect here? See how we will likely not care about saving your life – even into reunion.
Time to put your big girl pants on and take care of your own dooky.
Odd statement #2 –
Adoptive mom rambles on and on to first mom about her infertility. How awful her life was without children. How she deserved to have children (that implies some dont, doesnt it?). How obtaining my friends child saved her life (common theme here, eh?). It is made clear to my friend that she should feel sorry for this infertile adoptive mom and should, do the decent thing, and go away again so this adoptive mom can live in fantasy land and pretend the child she purchased has no other mommy.
See odd statement #1.
The saving grace in both of these situations is that the adult adoptees involved are mature, amazing, open and managing the situations. It is unfortunate they have to. But they are.
Thank the gods others believe in for that.
:: Rant Off ::