Tx Dawn for the Prompt

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life’s challenges vigorously. Don’t numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.” – J. Donald Walters

Blog denial.

Do I practice blog denial? I don’t think I do. In fact, I think some might argue I probably should.

Blog denial is unauthentic blogging. Maybe you embellish your life and make it better than it is. Maybe you tell half truths or even outright lies. Maybe you hold back to the good stuff. Maybe you do all this and more so you can be liked, or popular, or to convince yourself your life is something that it is not. You might even be like one major corporation that set up a completely bogus blog and planted erroneous information to improve the bottom line.

Do I engage in the practice?

Maybe and maybe not and maybe if I do it is okay consider the topic usually at hand.

I can tell you this:

I leave out HUGE amounts of information about my story. This is absolutely done with intent. The primary reason is to protect two parties – my daughter and her father. The second reason is that I have this crazy idea that someday I will really write it all down in some incredibly fabulous and tear jerking book and I don’t want to give it all away here!

I have been told I share too much. That to me is not a statement that supports blog denial.

I filter my writing not only for my daughter and her father but other mothers and children. I don’t get my emotional freak on and trash people and vomit all over my blog in a really crazy psychotic manner (do I?). I could if I wanted to but I don’t want to. Not only is it not my style but I find those blogs scary. No matter how truthful they may be, not matter how justified those people are in their feelings, and with full realization it is their blog I still worry that it is so public.

If an adoptee thinking about finding her mother stumbles upon my blog I don’t want her to get the opinion that all mothers are crazy, psychotic, hateful, vengeful, bitter women. I don’t want to be the reason an adoptee doesn’t reach out to her mother. If anything, I would want to be the reason she does. I say this because I know it can happen. I know you can absorb the feelings of others and make them your own. I know you can erroneously assume that your child will be like that mean crazy adoptee in East Bumphuck.

I thank gods I don’t believe in daily that I have had the benefit of my ehbabes group . They have shown me that adoptees can be equal parts angry and hurt as well as have compassion and caring and longing for their mothers. I am not sure I would have come to this conclusion if I did not have those adoptees to balance the less compassionate adoptees I stumbled upon via the Net.

I am fairly well read on these topics. What about the mothers or adoptees who aren’t? What about the first mom in Grand Forks who comes out of the fog she has been living in and the first blog that shows up on her google search is some first mom hater? Would that mom want to find her child? Or might she assume, erroneously, that all adoptees hate their first mothers and don’t want to be found?

I have a friend who disagrees with me but I believe as someone who blogs publicly, I owe something to present and future moms and adoptees n reunion. I owe them truth and honesty with some degree of compassion. I owe it to them to show a balanced view of the good and bad. Now, it can be argued all I have done is whine about my bad. Maybe. Maybe not. Even still, I believe I have been fairly transparent and honest but  again maybe not. Maybe holding back (with intent) on some stuff is not presenting a true, full, image.

I don’t know.

I do know I have been thinking about it and will continue to do so.

9 Thoughts.

  1. I was talking about hard core denial (i.e., outright lies like the sky is green and the grass is blue) but I think we all have to futz with reality a little bit because otherwise we risk screwing up the other people in our lives or — like you said — screwing it up for other people in the world.
    I sometimes have to stop and think about blogging our own adoption stuff, too, because I don’t want to tread too much on privacy and also because I don’t want people to get a little bit of our story and get erroneous ideas. So I kinda write to a BIGGER truth and leave out some of the squiggly details.

  2. Suz: You have been more than honest in your writing the truth. What you didnt tell was easy to fill in the spaces. I was one of those mom’s from South Fork and this was all new to me. It was your blog and kim.kim that helped me thru it all. I for one googled an adoptee board. My expectations were crushed with anger, mean and argumentative adoptees. I couldnt understand if they wanted to be found why were they demanding and agressive? They wanted to know everything and if that bm didnt “fess” up they would do searches on their own. It didnt sound to me of someone who really wanted to have peace in their life. We are not victims to be scrutinized or interrogated badly. Does anyone know the percentages of equal balance here?

  3. Joyceregina – Exactly my point. If you did not know that the adoptee angry and hate and meaness was rooted in the very real horror and trauma for an adoptee, you could likely run away. Moms that dont have the knowledge, experience, support that you or I do could too easily assume what they read is the truth for all and they would never find their child. How terrible is that?

  4. OK, I’m dense. Are you thinking out loud about whether blogging to your truth, which was incredibly painful, horrible, might be doing a disservice to first mothers and adoptees?
    Correct me if I misunderstand, but if that’s the gist, I say no. You’re very up front about what you believe, what the purpose of this blog is, and what you experiences have been. And you talk, really discuss areas of disagreement with those who have different points of view.
    Nope, wouldn’t change anything other than what YOU may want to change for YOU.

  5. I think there’s a difference between blogging with a purpose and blogging for the sake of getting your thoughts out. Your blog has a purpose — your intention is to help the adoption triad. So I do not think massaging some of the specifics to further this purpose or help those involved is a wrong thing to do.
    And for sure leaving information out to protect privacy is in no way a form of denial. Who is it hurting if you leave out these details? Nobody. And it sounds like it’s protecting some who could be hurt if these words were spoken.
    I wouldn’t change what you are doing. Your heart and mind are working together for the greater good…

  6. I don’t get this at all.
    Are you saying that the mean adoptees out there should censor themselves and compromise their own feelings to make firstmothers feel ok?
    Even though their feelings may be totally valid? Even though they may be working through something for themselves? Adoptees should censor their anger which you yourself admit is sometimes valid to make everybody else feel good?
    I don’t understand how that is healthy.

  7. Then I would love to see you elaborate on this post because it sure sounds like this is what you are saying and if this is simply my interpretation then I can tell you I am not alone in my take on this post.
    And p.s. adoptees aren’t the only “mean” ones out there.

  8. Beth –
    And p.s. adoptees aren’t the only “mean” ones out there.
    I agree. The world is full of very mean people.

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