“Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it’s letting go.” – Unknown
I am not quite sure what exactly A was getting at in his or her comment. It seemed like he or she had not read my post or how I said I welcome my daughters dialog and feelings. I WANT to know them – even if they differ from mine. But of course, A wouldn’t know this because I don’t post what I write my daughter here nor do I post what she writes me.
I also am quite confident that as today, she and I have opposing views on adoption. I don’t get the sense that she is the uber happy adoptee but I do believe she struggles with my position. I believe, perhaps erroneously, that she struggles with it because to truly acknowledge me, she must acknowledge herself, her adoptive parents and the hows and whys and who’s of her birth, surrender, sale and adoption. It is not a pretty story. I don’t begrudge her one bit wanting to avoid it. It is quite painful.
I expect her to have a differing view. We are two different people with two different experiences. She is the child that was surrendered and sold by a broker and I am the mother that allowed that to happen. Regardless of who did what and who was the victim or who hurts more, the entire situation is awful for all concerned. She has to reconcile hers as much as I have to reconcile mine.
Does she have to convert to my way of thinking and fight the beast with me? Of course not. As stated, our reunion and my advocacy work is entwined but they are absolutely separate as well. I have asked no one close to me to pick up my flag and fight to free the mothers and children. I have not made believing like me a condition of my friendship. I have not discarded those with opposing view and GASP! I even have adoptive parent friends. I even dated an adoptive father (and I did not melt or get burned or other).
I don’t want my daughter to believe what I believe or fight what I fight. I want her to respect who I am as much she wants me to respect who she is. If I were a Republican and she a Democrat I would want her to accept that as a difference in us – not a barrier to a relationship. If she was religious and I was not, same rule applies. I don’t want her to be like me.
If we all thought the same, how boring would the world be?
However, I do think A was trying to make a point that I do agree with.
I am a strong personality with strong views and the ability to debate them and stand up for them (at least NOW I am. I cannot say the same for the 18 yo maternity home resident I once was).
I don’t doubt that might be difficult for my daughter. However, I am also confident she is quite the same. If you could see her writing to me, you would agree. She is not a shrinking violet by any means. She is gifted with words, intuitive and incredibly direct – to the point of being hurtful. My own family has said the same about me. (Perhaps my sister will pipe up here and confirm). As much as her view may be difficult to handle at times, it also makes me smile. It is mirroring. Each time I cringe at her forthright nature, I smile. I am reminded of my own mother and the challenges she had (and still has) with me and I smile. She is, no doubt, my daughter.
And that makes me feel great.