"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." — Henry David Thoreau
I watched it.
It is actually still going but she received her diploma. Her amended last name is a"C’ name so she came up quick.
I am still crying.
I captured a print screen of her getting her diploma. It was blurry but it is likely the only graduation picture I will see of my daughter.
I have been intermittently feeling like I might pass out, want to puke, and unable to stop tears.
Why do we do this to mothers? Why do we ever tell any single mother that it will ever be a good thing to abandon their child to strangers? Simply becuase it is easier to sell that child to an infertile woman and fix her broken family wishes than it is to help the mother and child in need?
I am rambling. I know. I am aching. Emotionally bleeding.
My baby girl graduated college today.
The reason she was given up. Was it worth it?
Was it really true she could never gone with me? If course it is not, but I did not know that then.
When you have doctors, agency workers, parents, priests, and those poor infertile people waiting to take your child, you tend to believe them. When they remind you of the awful thing you did by having sex with a man you loved (???), you get confused. When they tell you that "good white catholic girls don’t go on social welfare" you feel further confused (I thought I was a bad girl by having sex now you tell me I am a good girl that cannot get welfare?)
When they tell you that a child can only succeed with two parents, you doubt yourself. When they tell you this is best and you will get over it, you question if that is true. You ignore that love in your heart for your child, that primal connection, that milk made by your breasts just for your child and you sign. When they remind you of that promissory note your parents signed and throw around threats of law suits, you become scared. How will you feed a child and fight a law suit? You cave to the pressure and you believe those that seem to know better than you.
To all the mothers in this situation, dont believe them. They dont have your best interests in mind. They have their own wallets, their own egos, their own religious beliefs, their own barren ovaries. If they cared about you, they would help you to parent, give you more time to decide to surrender and if you change your mind, they would honor revocation periods.
They are not thinking of you.
Think twice, three times, four times before you abandon your child to strangers. Take her home. Feed her. Play with her. Sleep next to her. Count her toes and smell the scent of your breast milk as she exhales. Notice how she looks like your mother, or your Uncle Hal. Dream about her future and all the amazing things she will do. Take her for a walk through a grocery store and show her off to all the old ladies that stop by. Make a home made rattle for her out of a paper towel tube and some beans. Dream and believe. Believe that the best gift you can ever give your child is yourself. Mommies are not replaceable.
You can abandon your baby at any time. One week, two weeks, three weeks. Trust me, there will be some excited third party all too happy to take your child, change her name and dismiss you.
Take that time. Think. Dream. Believe.
If you do, you will likely see your child graduate to college.
And it wont be remote via the web.