I made him and she made me.

“One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often.” – Erich Fromm

Is it a good thing or a bad thing if you make your therapist cry?

Seriously. I cannot quite figure this out.

Reason I ask is that yesterday I did just that. By sharing some of my story, my feelings about my daughter and her birthday, her graduation and the things that were done and said to me to get me to surrender her, I made my therapist tear up. I could see it and found it odd at first and wondered if I should continue. (Frankly, I often wonder if my therapist makes a grocery list in his head when I talk so it was a bit odd to see him be struck emotionally by my words).

At one part I told him how I was told (like so many moms were) that if I loved my baby I would abandon her to strangers. If I were to keep her I would be selfish and not loving her.  What this really translates into is "give us your baby and she will have an unknown future just like she would have had with you but if we don’t convince you that she is better off without you we cannot sell her to one of the lovely desperate couples we have waiting in line."

He winced at the "if you really loved your child you would abandon her" statement and then said, softly, ‘That is so very wrong. What screwed up thinking that is…"

I then saw him try and compose himself.

He told me later in the session he was strongly touched by my pain and emotion.  Ya think?

But still, it made me feel strange.  I tend to make a lot of people cry.  LOL.  My sister called me a few days ago and told me a few of my posts here made her cry. I chuckled and shared one of my favorite Frost quotes.

"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader."

But do I really want to be someone who makes others cry?

So, a day after I make my therapist cry a friend of mine, a first mom recently in reunion made me cry.

She has only recently made contact with her child and received an email that her child sent to her. First mom friend is all excited and gooey and sends it to me with a great deal of joy.

When I read it, I cried. But I did not cry becuase I was happy for her. I cried because while my friend saw hope and promise and excitement at her first email I saw the brush off. The "please go away and let me decide if I want to know who you are. I am young. I am immature. I have GREAT adoptive parents and I would never want to hurt them. The did so much for me, paid so much money for me, they are so GREAT. I don’t want to meet you and I prefer you not contact me. Let me contact you. And I prefer if you move on for now. Thank you very much. Have a nice day"

Seriously, some of those exact words were in the email to my friend.

She was ECSTATIC.

I struggled to find something good in that. Maybe that is becuase it hit too close to home or maybe I just worry that I might know what is ahead for my friend and much like my therapist, it just makes me sad.

6 Thoughts.

  1. Why is it that we feel that we are only worthy of whatever we can get? Sometimes I feel pathetic because I am so grateful for crumbs. If I want more, then I risk it all. I know you understand what I am saying Suz if others don’t. What did we do? Why are we the intruders? I believe someone intruded on our lives a long time ago and that is why we are here in the first place.
    (((((Hugs)))))

  2. I understand “K” It is an awful feeling.
    Suz: I can almost invision you pouring your heart out to the therapist and he breaking down. It is a chuckle, but I dont mean to make light of it. I sure hope he will not think of making a career change!!! lol.
    Are we feel sorry for mom’s? For the rest of our lives? Because of a decision we made based on lies that were construed out of our weaknessess and imaturity?

  3. I must be in a cynical mood this morning.
    What’s that saying? Bad things happen when good men (people) do nothing. I am sure there are therapists all over the North American continent tearing up at our stories but where is/are their voices supporting our mothers’ voices. Confirming to the world what we are saying.
    When they tried to truly open up adoption records here, the argument was made that being contacted down the line might discourage girls from making the decision to surrender their babies. A think there is a bit of that going on with the silence about the truth of the impact of adoption on a woman (or child too for that matter.) The thinking about the infertile couples and how such support/telling of the truth might have an impact on their lives. And so those who know first hand stay, for the most part, silent.
    The note from the found daughter – to me it suggests an adoptive parent was standing over her shoulder when she wrote it – literally or figuratively.

  4. First, a (((hug))) for the pain and emotion from the session with your therapist.
    The letter to your friend from her child sounds like the comments Nicole has been receiving recently. I have to agree that there is a lot of a-parent coaching there, because if adoptees are raised understanding their role in their first family and their right to pursue it, there is no need to choose.

  5. Wow, I’ve only made female therapists cry… LOL. Like all of us, whatever field we are in, therapists are always learning. I’d like to think that yours gained some insight into adoption issues.
    As for the mom’s email: THAT made me cry. We do settle for crumbs. We were shamed in believing we don’t even deserve that. Just finding our children feels like a miracle, no matter how they respond or treat us. Why else would it have taken me 12 years to stand up to my son and insist that he stop abusing me?
    Definitely a-parent involvement in that response. You didn’t say how old her child is. If a teen or early twenties, still under his/her parent’s roof, then there is still hope. Heck, there’s always hope.

  6. It’s not good or bad, its human for a therapist to cry over, for, or with a client. It’s also never a problem for a therapist to cry as long as they are not overwhelmed by emotions to the point where they become unable to help the client.
    hugs

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