“One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often.” – Erich Fromm
Is it a good thing or a bad thing if you make your therapist cry?
Seriously. I cannot quite figure this out.
Reason I ask is that yesterday I did just that. By sharing some of my story, my feelings about my daughter and her birthday, her graduation and the things that were done and said to me to get me to surrender her, I made my therapist tear up. I could see it and found it odd at first and wondered if I should continue. (Frankly, I often wonder if my therapist makes a grocery list in his head when I talk so it was a bit odd to see him be struck emotionally by my words).
At one part I told him how I was told (like so many moms were) that if I loved my baby I would abandon her to strangers. If I were to keep her I would be selfish and not loving her. What this really translates into is "give us your baby and she will have an unknown future just like she would have had with you but if we don’t convince you that she is better off without you we cannot sell her to one of the lovely desperate couples we have waiting in line."
He winced at the "if you really loved your child you would abandon her" statement and then said, softly, ‘That is so very wrong. What screwed up thinking that is…"
I then saw him try and compose himself.
He told me later in the session he was strongly touched by my pain and emotion. Ya think?
But still, it made me feel strange. I tend to make a lot of people cry. LOL. My sister called me a few days ago and told me a few of my posts here made her cry. I chuckled and shared one of my favorite Frost quotes.
"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader."
But do I really want to be someone who makes others cry?
So, a day after I make my therapist cry a friend of mine, a first mom recently in reunion made me cry.
She has only recently made contact with her child and received an email that her child sent to her. First mom friend is all excited and gooey and sends it to me with a great deal of joy.
When I read it, I cried. But I did not cry becuase I was happy for her. I cried because while my friend saw hope and promise and excitement at her first email I saw the brush off. The "please go away and let me decide if I want to know who you are. I am young. I am immature. I have GREAT adoptive parents and I would never want to hurt them. The did so much for me, paid so much money for me, they are so GREAT. I don’t want to meet you and I prefer you not contact me. Let me contact you. And I prefer if you move on for now. Thank you very much. Have a nice day"
Seriously, some of those exact words were in the email to my friend.
She was ECSTATIC.
I struggled to find something good in that. Maybe that is becuase it hit too close to home or maybe I just worry that I might know what is ahead for my friend and much like my therapist, it just makes me sad.