"Fly free and happy beyond
birthdays and across forever, and we’ll meet now and then when we wish,
in the midst of the one celebration that never can end.” – Richard Bach
Today is my first born, only daughters birthday.
Please wish her a happy day.
I had a bunch of thoughts, a good post and I am not in a position to write. I am weepy. I am ticked off that I am weepy. I wanted to try hard to pretend things are okay. I was hoping I had grown and matured and gotten past these awful slaying birthdays.
Of course it could be the weather, it could be PMS, it could be my sons pending surgery or my moms surgery of this week.
Or it could be that somewhere, an hour from here, in upstate NY, my daughter will celebrate her birthday with someone, somehow, and it won’t be me. She will get a card or a call from her replacement mom. She will blow out candles with someone else.
Will she think of me like I think of her?
One would think after twenty two years of missed birthdays I would be desensitized.
I am not.
Twenty two years ago I held her beautiful face in my hands. I counted fingers and toes and gently ran my fingers through a lock of very dark black hair. I kissed her cheeks and tickled her belly. I listened
to her coo as she snuggled in the crook of my right arm/elbow. I marveled over how much she looked (then) like her father. I imagined how she would look in the future. I took her to the window of St. Joseph’s Hospital and showed her Lake Michigan. I sang to her. I talked to her. I told her stories.
I gave birth to her and began a three day vigil. Three days from today, will be the anniversary of handing my daughter over to strangers.
May 16 she was born.
May 19 she was abandoned and it was blessed by society and I was told it was a good thing and I would get over it and she would be better off without me.
I find these days hard to celebrate. I want to. I do. For an angel blessed the earth on this day in 1986 but a devil stood by all to eager to take her from her mothers milky breast and give her to strangers.
Happy Birthday to my Angel.