Happy Birthday to My Darling Daughter

"Fly free and happy beyond
birthdays and across forever, and we’ll meet now and then when we wish,
in the midst of the one celebration that never can end.” – Richard Bach

Today is my first born, only daughters birthday.

Please wish her a happy day.

I had a bunch  of thoughts, a good post and I am not in a position to write. I am weepy. I am ticked off that I am weepy.  I wanted to try hard to pretend things are okay. I was hoping I had grown and matured and gotten past these awful slaying birthdays.

Apparently not.

Of course it could be the weather, it could be PMS, it could be my sons pending surgery or my moms  surgery of this week.

Or it could be that somewhere, an hour from here, in upstate NY, my daughter will celebrate her birthday with someone, somehow, and it won’t be me. She will get a card or a call from her replacement mom. She will blow out candles with someone else.

Will she think of me like I think of her?

One would think after twenty two years of missed birthdays I would be desensitized.

I am not.

Twenty two years ago I held her beautiful face in my hands. I counted fingers and toes and gently ran my fingers through a lock of very dark black hair. I kissed her cheeks and tickled her belly. I listened
to her coo as she snuggled in the crook of my right arm/elbow. I  marveled over how much she looked (then) like her father. I imagined how she would look in the future. I took her to the window of St. Joseph’s Hospital and showed her Lake Michigan. I sang to her. I talked to her. I told her stories.

I gave birth to her and began a three day vigil. Three days from today, will be the anniversary of handing my daughter over to strangers.

May 16 she was born.

May 19 she was abandoned and it was blessed by society and I was told it was a good thing and I would get over it and she would be better off without me.

I find these days  hard to celebrate.  I want to. I do. For an angel blessed the earth on this day in 1986 but a devil stood by all to eager to take her from her mothers milky breast and give her to strangers.

Happy Birthday to my Angel.

12 Thoughts.

  1. Happy Birthday to your daughter. Happy Birth Day to you and your motherhood. I was so hoping, naively, that it just magically gets better. But at the same time I am comforted that you (and others like you) are willing to share so that I am not caught by surprise in the future. You are a visionary.

  2. Happy birthday to your daughter! May she remember you and feel your love in her heart today and always…

  3. Thank you for sharing this. We would do well to remember experiences like yours when we talk about adoption. I won’t forget this message and appreciate how this day also saw the beginnings of Suz the Advocate.

  4. Happy Birthday to your daughter… and (((Hugs))) to you my friend. I know how hard these days are for you and my wish for you today on your daughter’s birthday is just a little peace and comfort for your broken heart…
    Much Love,
    Kristy

  5. Dear Suz
    Happy birthday to your daughter
    I had tears pouring when I read this and I just wanted to send some big ((((((((HUGS))))))))) to you today …I’m so sorry that you are hurting so badly
    x

  6. Suz: If just one birthday, I wish for you to hear “Thank you for giving me life” for all your thoughts and your never ending love for me.
    After all, a Birthday is a celebration of life. I believe there is a thought in her heart for you today.
    And you wait, holding the memories

  7. How can she not feel all the loving energy you send her way? I believe she does, on some level anyway, even if she can’t pinpoint where those feelings are coming from. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her and HUGS to you.

  8. ((((HUGS)))
    It is so hard.
    Society was wrong – we never get over it.
    We will never be “desensitised” to our loss. That is a myth – time does not heal this wound.
    Take care.
    If it is any consolation, my son did not want to speak to me until his 25th birthday.
    Something changed – now we are friends as he approaches his 30th.
    Maybe something in your daughter’s life makes her realise how important you are to her.
    Hold on to that hope.

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