"All the bullshit that he’s been taught- all society’s brainwashing. You have to let go of all that to get to the other side. Most people aren’t willing to do that." – Jim Morrison
I have been intermittently obsessed with my daughters graduation. I got through Mothers Day. Now I must get through her birthday (this Friday) and then her graduation (next weekend).
Yeah, May is a tough month.
Since I discovered it will be streamed on line and videos and audio and slide shows will be shown as well, I am well, pondering. Maybe ruminating (which is also known as "thinking too much") is a better word.
It was honestly easier not knowing those things were available to me. It was easier knowing I could never know or see that. Painful, yes, but easier.
Now I am faced with the decision to watch or not to watch. Even more difficult (though I would NEVER do it) was learning that tickets are not required. Attendance at the live event is first come first serve. Could ANYONE go? Like anyone who lived less than an hour away?
Moms like me like to joke about showing up at those events, lurking in some dark corner, repelling off of rooftops, using night-vision goggles to watch our children in their natural state much like you might watch animals on the Sahara plain. Lovely what adoption forces us into, eh? Creatures of the night skulking around to catch a glimpse of our very own child. Thank you adoption.
It is all a joke – kind of. It said with laughter to cover the actual tears that are there, for if we don’t laugh about it we will cry.
Graduation is on Sunday. Even if I don’t watch it live (they are streaming it, I think), I could catch it later.
Do I want to?
Part of me does, yes, absolutely
Part of me trembles at the thought and thinks it is best to avoid.
I decide to avoid and then the Gemini other twin inside me kicks me in the head and says "what are you freaking crazy?"
Which part of me is the avoidant part and which part of me is able to manage these things?
Is the 40 yo mom in me the part that wants to watch and is the 17 yo girl, the one who was told she had no right to these things, the one who is afraid? Am I still afraid I am violating some ones stupid rule by wanting to love my daughter? Am I afraid someone is going to yell at me and tell me I gave up the right to watch my daughters graduation – even in the privacy of my own home? Am I feeling as though I am infringing on the adoptive parents "exclusive right" to our daughters graduation since they paid for tuition.
(Side story, my daughter once wrote me some things about her parents and what they did or did not do. She ended it by stating "but they paid for my education". Um, yeah, SO FREAKING WHAT?? Isn’t that what a parent is supposed to do? What they signed up for? Dude, that is one of the many sticks I was beat with, your college education. Whoopdee -freaking-do that they did what the agency told me only THEY could do.
I hate when adoptees think that when their adoptive parents do NORMAL PARENTING THINGS they are some great amazing things that they are forever indebted to them for. Um, thats what they signed up for no? If even a "dog can give birth" as one adoptive parent told me recently, ANYONE CAN PARENT. Maybe not well, but anyone can parent. GRRR.)
Stupid, I know but the fear is there. The way the agency and society makes us feel like criminals for loving our children, for caring about them, for not "getting over it".
Why do I feel like it would be "wrong" for me to watch her graduation? Who is it wrong for?
Am I still drinking the adoption kool-aid?