Her Fathers Eyes

"There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million" – Walt Streightiff

The internet has been down at my home for a week. I was in withdrawal. With only my iPhone to rely on for email and minimal surfing, it felt like a different world to me. I could not play Scrabble on Facebook with Ito. I could not update my LiveJournal. I could not do my weekly drive bys of my daughters Myspace, Flickr and Facebook.

The cable man (a boy really, full of freckles and quite charming) arrived yesterday and got me back onto the grid. I spent last night purchasing a new flat screen monitor, connecting the modem and cpu and getting back to business.

One of the first places I stopped was my daughters Myspace. It is locked to me. She decided friending me was too personal. Yet I am still able to see her profile photo. It hasnt changed.  I then popped over to her flickr and noted she had not uploaded any new photos since I was last there.  And on to Facebook.  Her facebook usually provides an enormous collection of snapshots.

Only its gone now.

Gone or it has been blocked from my viewing.

Saddened?

You bet.

Paranoid?

Even more so.

For some reason whenever she shuts herself down online I feel it is directed at me. I feel it is yet another attempt at blocking me from knowing her and about her life. 

Of course, I could be totally wrong. She is graduating in a week or so. Perhaps she was told to remove things or protect them for fear that prospective employers would see them. Maybe since she is no longer at her college she cannot keep that profile with the id of college name.herprofile.php.

I dont know.

But I wept a bit inside.

I am already struggling with my future inability to know where she is. This Facebook change felt like pouring salt in wound.

I went back to her Flickr and viewed a photo her that I adore. I clicked All Sizes and was able to view it in the ginormous size.  Displayed on my new monitor, it caused me to notice something I never did before.

She has her fathers’ eye color.  All photos I have reflect her eyes as green like mine – and they are – but they are a bit hazel in the centers. Brown and gold flecks reach out to green rims.

That startled me.

She has her fathers’ eyes.

4 Thoughts.

  1. Catching up – your last couple of posts all brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had a magic wand to make it better, but I don’t. I can only offer support and (((((hugs))))) – and the hope that some day your daughter will recognize the love you are offering her, and will open up to it.
    Much love to you!

  2. (((((Hugs)))))
    I can’t say anything that will help, just know, I know you have been so busy and in so much transition, but one day, whether it’s in IL or in CT we are going to go for that coffee. Much Love, Kristy

  3. i’m sure I’ve told you this, but I remember being friended by my mother on MySpace and was like ‘whaaaaaaaat’ and was very unhappy about it. I wish I could make it make sense to you. I wish I could make it make sense to ME.

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