"Adoption aborts the mother." –Author Unknown
I realize I said I was going to read less.
I am not sure that is possible for me.
In fact, I know it is not. When I was a child my mother literally took my books away from me, locked me out of the house and told me to go play with the neighborhood children.
I went outside, found a stick and wrote stories in the sand. True story.
I decided to adjust my approach and instead of reading adoption, trauma and recovery books I would branch out.
I visited the book store today and picked up a small guide book to Dublin. I also picked up 123 Magic. My children have never been discipline problems but I have heard of this approach and I was curious and thought maybe some different reading material would help distract me. Rather like changing trains on a journey to somewhere.
I was pretty pleased with myself until I went to gather my children who were sitting reading in the kids section of Borders. My youngest was taken with a book on the Titanic and while he futzed around and my oldest whined about book covers, my eyes see the childcare/adoption section.
Of course I wandered over. Of course I bought a book (Identical Strangers) and of course adoption kicked me again in my already stressed gut.
I find it curious how many adoption related books (geared toward adoptive parents) use the word "Forever Family" in their title.
What is the point of that? Is there a doubt that your adopted child will forever be part of your family? Do you approach adoption like it is a test drive? Are there adoptive parents who think adoption is only for as long as you want it? (Well, yes, we know there are those adoptive parents.)
What exactly does that word mean? How does it translate for prospective adopters? Is it the nice way to say "this child isnt really yours and everyone will know that but you will act is if born to, we will lock up their records and thereby the child will be forever yours and never be able to find their real family? So let the pretending games begin!"
I dont get it.
Why is it necessary to constantly refer to the adoptive family as the forever one? Who is that placating? Is it meant for the child to assure them that even though their first family abandoned them to strangers that the second family, the new family, is the forever family?
Seriously. If the first family is not valued or regarded as a forever family how will the second, adoptive, "as if" family be viewed as such? What makes a second family a forever one and a natural family so temporary? How is that word chosen?
Speaking of chosen. Yet another word so commonly seen in adoption titles "Chosen". The Chosen Child. Loving by Choice. What the hell?
Maybe its me and my little pet peeves but guess what? My daughters adoptive parents did not choose MY child. They did not want MY special little girl. They wanted ANY BABY.
Chosen, to me, as a first mother, is very distasteful. It implies, to me, adoptive parents walking into a room full of babies, much like a car dealership saying "Ooh, I want THAT one". That is a chosen child. Maybe that does indeed (or did) happen in orphanages or foster care, but in my case, to my knowledge, my daughter wasnt listed on a chinese menu. Her adoptive parents, and many like them, wanted ANY child. There was no choice. Just demand. Give me a child and I will give you money.
I have always assumed that "chosen" business was concocted up by some social worker who told adoptive parents to use that story to make the child feel better about being abandoned. "You were special!" "You were CHOSEN! (clap clap)"
I am not an adopted child, but if I was, I would say "If I am so damned special, why didn’t my mother feel that way?" I would also ask "If I am so wonderful, why didnt someone help my mother to keep me? Why did my natural family discard my mother AND me?"
It is very contradictory. It is dishonest.
But then again, much in adoption is dishonest.