The Cost of College

"Graduation is only a concept.  In real life every day you graduate.
Graduation is a process that goes on  until the last day of your life.
If you can grasp that, you’ll make a difference.  ~Arie Pencovici"

She will graduate from college this Spring.

It has been on my mind a lot. I have been pondering if I should send a gift. Should I send the gift I think I want to send?

Her graduation is a big milestone. For her, graduation marks the culmination of four years of hard work. For her parents it marks the end of 40K a year in tuition bills. For me it means she completed college.

For that was the purpose of abandoning her, right? She could go to college. I could never have provided that. Only adoptive parents can. (Does that mean my sons can’t go?). Yes, I was told that. They rubbed in my face very chance they got that I was poor at that time and made me believe I would be poor FOREVER. The adopters wealth was marched out in front of my poor pregnant tuckus at every possible opportunity.

Don’t I want my baby to have all those thing that only money could buy?  Huh? Huh? Dontcha? A good mother would give her baby away to wealthy people who can give her all the things a poor mother cannot. Don’t you want to be a good mother? Here, sign here.

As her graduation approaches, I find myself wondering if it was worth it. Was her college education worth the price of my soul?  Did her tuition add up to all the monies I have spent on therapy since the day I lost her? Does she wake in the morning and say "Well, my mother left me with strangers but LOOKEE HERE I have my Bachelors degree. Lucky lucky me! I am so fortunate my mother abandoned me all in the name of my college education!"

I am going to guess she doesn’t.  But who knows, I could be totally wrong.

I was then.

8 Thoughts.

  1. Interesting. I’ve written something tonight that corresponds a bit with this post.
    I wrote it before I read this.
    College seems to be the carrot the agencies dangle in front of everybody. They must have done some kind of study to see what would motivate people and college is it.
    Weird.

  2. Hiya Suz,
    My birthfather’s mother still uses the Uni thing to excuse her coercing my parents into placing me. She actually said to me “if they’d have kept you, you wouldn’t be at Uni now”… my friends have reminded me of that too “You’d probably be a peirced, tatoo’d, shop-assistant with a kid already”. Then when I snap, I feel like I’m a bad person who needs to be more tolerant and accepting of their ignorance. ARRRRRRRRGH.
    Love you xo. And congrats on having a beautiful daughter who’s about to finish college. We all know intelligence is 70% genetic anyway ;).

  3. I am thinking at the moment she is handed that rolled up diploma, looking out at the audience beaming with pride in herself for accomplishing her works. Her life is not passing in front of her, she is going thru the only door that is opening for her.
    And I am sorry we missed out on all of this, but perhaps it would have happened regardless of adoption or not. Financially they made it happen but genetically and inherently she survived.
    Lets hope you can bake a cake with the ingredients! Yes! Send the gift that you would like to send you will always be the most significant part of who she is. Always.

  4. That agency line is a low as it goes – talk about perpetuating an immoral class system.
    I hope you send your daughter the gift you want. It’s a huge milestone, for her and for you.

  5. I personally hate the whole “money buys a college education” blah blah. Money buys stuff. Hard work can buy college. It is even possible (gasp!) to pay for college one’s self, without one’s parents footing the bill. From a construction worker dad and a bad neighborhood, my sister and I both went to our first choice private colleges on scholarships and financial aid, and paid back all loans ourselves. Not one dime in allowance, no free money, just what we provided ourselves.
    Parenting is about what can be taught, not what can be bought.

  6. For that was the purpose of abandoning her, right? She could go to college. I could never have provided that. Only adoptive parents can.
    Boy can I relate to this. They convinced me even though I was 20 years old and in second year university that my son would be one of the rag tag children if I selfishly kept him.
    But the adoptive parents – although they were very wealthy – couldn’t even manage to get him through two years of high school let alone university. Because you do need more than just money to do that.
    He is doing very well now – a truly self made man – no doubt because of his genes!! – but it was one, maybe the first, of many wake-up calls about adoption to find out that one of the things I hoped for him never came to pass.
    Suz, I know you don’t need me to tell you to keep on writing but keep on … you are speaking for all of us.

  7. Yes,
    Send her the gift you want. PLEASE send her the gift you want. I had 2 ceremonies. One with the school, and one with just the nursing program – Florence Nightengale traditional ceremony with caps, dresses, pins and all. It was dark and I was in a bad position to see the audience. I could see it was full, but faces were difficult to make out. I looked for her face, but I couldn’t find it. I knew she may be there. But I just couldn’t see. I suddenly felt her presenece and I knew she was there. My friend sitting next to me was helping me look, but to no avail. I still felt her presence.
    The ceremony ended and off to the reception we went. She was there with a gift and flowers. She told me she saw me scanning the audience and tried to let me know she was there. I told her that I’d felt that sense of peace come over me, the same feeling I get whenever I am with her. I knew she was there. Sorry to ramble………yes, send her the gift you want to send her.

  8. Suz, I hope you send a gift, the one you want to send. You deserve to celebrate her accomplishment, she deserves to know how proud you are. How she accepts it can’t be known. But don’t let that stop you. That’s not yours to worry about.

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