God had nothing to do with it, AT ALL

"It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of
one’s heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and
have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in
order to genuinely apologize." – Steven Covey

God daughter?

I called her my god daughter!

I don’t even believe in God.

While I am someones "god mother", I find it stupid and ridiculous. I am her special person, kind of like an aunt. Her mother was one of my best friends for years.  Abby, my real "god daughter" (yes, I did that silly stand up in the Catholic church business with her parents all those years ago) is now a cool 15 yo girl that converses with me on facebook.  God has nothing to do with it. She is a cool kid that uses me as a place to run to when teenage life and her Rents get to be too much for her to bear. She is my god daughter.

But today, when asked about my daughters picture on my desk at work, I stuttered, stumbled and called her my god daughter.

WTF.

Frick. I hate this.

I normally don’t do this. I always say my daughter. But I was surrounded by two VPs, one smelly Indian developer, and a Rain Man like Lead Architect (think idiot savant), I crumbled.  When my boss pointed to my daughters picture, I had 8 eyeballs and 8 ears all waiting for the answer and I could not get into it. Not then. Not that crowd. Not  yet. Past experience tells me the conversation would go like this (it always does):

"Oh, thats my daughter!"

"Your DAUGHTER? I thought you only had two sons! And goodness, you don’t look OLD enough to have a daughter that old"

"Well, she is my daughter. Isn’t she gorgeous?"

"But wait, where is she? You are only caring for your sons? How old is she?"

"She is going to be 22 and she is in college"

(looks up and does math).

"Wow, so you were what like 17 when you had her? Where is she?"

"I lost her to adoption."

"Lost? What do you mean lost? What did you do? Did you beat her? Was she taken from you for neglect"

"Wha..um..no, no…"

I am sorry, M, I have never denied you. Today I did.

Forgive me.

10 Thoughts.

  1. Tell them she was stolen from you – because that is basically what happened, isn’t it?

  2. I think there are some people who pass through our lives so briefly that they are not necessarily entitled to all the details of our existence. Sometimes we are up for full and frank disclosure in those circumstances, sometimes we aren’t. This is a complicated subject with a very complicated set of emotions. Next time you’ll respond in the way you want to respond.
    Having said that can I be honest and say I am given pause somewhat by your use of the term – smelly Indian developer.

  3. Kris – Thanks. I agree and disagree. I suppose what I struggle with the most is that “normal” non adoption torched people never have to maek these decisions or be in these situations.
    As for the developer, he is smelly. I was painting a picture of the situation. I am assuming you made some connection to him being smelly and Indian? You shouldnt. Lots of people smell in my office. I regularly smell like Tiffany perfume.

  4. I get the “you are not old enough to be his mother” thing all the time. “Is he your brother?” “Is he your boyfriend?” In customs last year we even got, “Is this your HUSBAND?” because we were travelling as family.
    If people ask me how old I was I just say, “I was young” and don’t get into the gory details that are none of their business.
    When I was young, strangers on the street used to ask me “What my parents thought about all this”
    The grocer asked me recently, “What were you 12 when you had him?” I bit my lip and said “no , 13” to which she started apologizing and I started laughing, I was not 13.
    Young women have babies every day, it is not a crime against nature, it is in tune with nature.
    It is not so unusual that you should be ashamed for it.

  5. Frick, I hate this for you.
    But what I would hate more is for the assembled audience to have an opportunity to hurt you with their questions.
    This is probably no consolation, but I know there’s no way you could ever deny your daughter, and protecting your privacy certainly doesn’t count as denial.

  6. I’m with Margie. It was none of their bee’s wax, and definitely not worth the questioning you would have had to endure. Which, by the way, you portrayed perfectly. Been there, heard that, frickin’ frick. In the years before I found my son, I only confided in those I knew well, who cared about me, who I felt safe with. So many times: “Do you have children?” “No.” It hurt my heart to deny my son. But the reactions of those I told and shouldn’t have hurt worse.
    Forgive yourself. (((HUGS)))

  7. (((Suz))) Sometimes, we have to protect ourselves. You did no injustice to your daughter.
    Which is hard to know… because, most of us never had anyone to protect us when we were growing up, or when we lost our children to adoption. So, we try our best to be there for others… but sometimes we forget that we must also be there for ourselves. Because, if we were strong enough to protect ourselves when we were being assaulted by maternity homes, lawyers and agencies…. instead of ONLY thinking of our children, then we may not have been tricked so easily.
    Hope this makes sense.
    ((hugs))

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