"I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me… All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.” – Jackie Robinson
I don’t usually direct posts to commentors but I think this comment warrants it.
For the record, I deleted the comment. It was left by "R" who seems to be a new visitor as there were no other comments from R or from R’s IP address.
(EDIT: March 6 – I stand corrected. R/Ruta has indeed commented before. I deleted that comment as well.)
I deleted it because R sounded angry at his/her first mother and talked about restricting his/her mothers access to him/her. R went on about his/her great adoptee life and projected lots of R stuff into well, my stuff. I rarely delete comments. In fact, I think I have deleted 4 in the entire time I had this blog. But as noted, I reserve that right. If it might be hurtful to my daughter or to other first moms, it goes. I stand by my words – not the words of others. That is my right as blog owner. (I once had a "Moms Gone Wild" flamefest here. Two commentors – one an adoptive mom and one a first mom. After that ugly experience, I decided to delete as necessary. Prior to that I left everything fly. After seeing so many otupset by hurtful comments left by visitors on my blog, I decided enough is enough. We have all been hurt enough by adoption. I will not allow anyone to use my blog as a stick to beat someone else with.)
But R did make a very good point that I want to clarify.
I do not know if my daughter had an awful life as an adopted child or a wonderful uber grand skippidy dippity do life being adopted. I have no idea how she feels about it. What little she has shared with me points to her feeling very conflicted and I assume that is why she chooses to avoid it, me and anything related to it. I am not going to share her words. They are not yours to read or mine to share. I will share my reaction and feelings towards them and our situation. Also keep in mind, please, that there is much I DONT share here. Do not assume you know the entire story by what you read here.
She could be rolling in a field of butterfiles over her adoption. I agree with R that it is possible, and I certainly hope it is true that she is happy not knowing me, her brothers or why she was surrendered to a baby broker.
That was kind of the entire point of it, right? That she would have a life better than the one she could have with me? That she would have a life complete with ponies and pools and a college education. I know she had a pool and I know she is in college. I never asked her if she had a pony. I know she had a jungle gym (so did my friend Susan who was also adopted).
Over twenty years go, I was lead to believe that was all that mattered. I believed it. I have no idea if my daughter likes being adopted, hates it or has no freaking clue. Any or all of the options is perfectly acceptable.
But that is not really the point. As previously mentioned, this blog is about ME, and my feelings, and my experience. If I feeel based on her interactions with me that she is conflicted or avoidant or anything, keep in mind that is my FEELING not a statement of fact of hers. I cannot know that until she tells me that. To date, she has not.
But for the record, I am fully aware that there are legions of adoptees across the world that are happy they were abandoned by their mothers. I realize there are adoptees who are fine with the fact that their mothers were shamed, locked away and stigmatized because they were pregnant with them. I realize primal wound is questioned by many. I realize there are many adoptees that want records to be kept closed so that they dont have to be pestered by the uterous that gave birth to them.
I get that.
If I get that, if I respect that, (even if I dont agree), I expect the same in return.