Mano y Mano

“When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.” – Louis Nizer

I know I have a number of male readers here. There is a great first dad in Montana, another in Maine. There is an adoptive dad in PA. There may be more.

I want their thoughts (of course females are welcome to comment too but I am really after the male perspective).

Why are men so easily disregarded when it comes to their children and the loss of their children to adoption?

Is it as simple as the fact that the woman carries the child?

Why does society find it so acceptable for men to NOT take responsbility for the children they produce?

If a young girl is called a whore and slut for having sex with a boy, why is he not called the same?  If we punish the girl by taking her child, why not say, oh, castrate the man? (Extreme I know but I am going for shock value).

I realize in many cases the fathers did not even know their children existed. I also know in many cases their mothers parents took over and the father was pushed aside.

Why is this allowed?

If you are a the father to a daughter who is single and expecting, why havent you gone after the father or his family? And by gone after, I mean, expect him to support your daughter and the child they created? Why is he allowed to get off scot- free (if that is the case) and you and your daughter bear all responsbility?

I have my own thoughts on this but and they are expansive but I dont want to seed the soil with my own perspective.  (And yeah, Dawn, I expect you to pipe up here even if you lack a Y chromosome)

I dont necessarily want fact, research, feminist citations. I want to know what the MEN feel and think about adoption, unplanne d pregnancies, etc.

So men, what say you?

4 Thoughts.

  1. I am just so not the go-to girl about men’s rights in adoptions because I have a hard time figuring out where their rights should start. I don’t want ’em overlapping in women’s rights. But then as soon as the baby leaves the woman’s body I want him to have rights for the sake of his child so then I get all flummoxed.
    I am pro-putative father registries but only when they actually work. So I’m not pro-putative father registries as they exist right now. In my fantasy world (and I was going to blog this but I’ll put it here) I would want putative father registries to be as easy to access and use as … I don’t know, easier than registering to vote. And I’d want boys our sons’ ages to be told about them and know how to access them so that by the time they’re sexually active they’re already aware of their rights and responsibilities and know how to add their names to the list. And then I’d want those registries to be respected and used.
    I like the idea of putting the onus on men to step forward without penalizing women and I also like the right for men to be consulted re., adoption plans and have the “right of first refusal” if a woman is making an adoption plan.
    But I see problems in even THAT solution and it makes my head spin. (I really want to talk to Erik Smith about this — http://www.eriksmith.org — because he’s here in Columbus but I haven’t gotten to meet him yet. I’ve only “talked” to him once via email.)

  2. Okay, so this is just a thought, but I think maybe the reason men are so often forgotten is that they do not carry the baby. They have no right to say I want the child, when the woman makes plans and has an abortion. Therefor I think people just look at it as a woman’s responsibility through and through. Now don’t get me wrong I think if he wants the baby he should have it. I just think that since she can have an abortion without his consent everything else is just sort of shrugged off. But that is just a thought. I also think that SOMETIMES and I stress sometimes he may find it easier to bury his head in the sand and say it’s not my problem. So, she is forced to make all decisions by herself.

  3. I know you wanted the men’s ops on this but we women are many. Woman tells man, “I am pregnant” She waits for communicative if not eye contact. He bows head down to floor and says we will work it out. He means you work it out-your problem. Whatever her accomodations, financial,family support she must make the decision. He (the man) sits and waits for her, if she waits to long he is on his way. She carries the load, she begs the load and cries her way into the arms of the “waiting” They have many helpful tools! Pens, documents to sign, home arrangements, if adoption is chosen they help, if abortion is the choice they schedule that with hosp. arrangements. Every one scurring around, but SHE says to herself, He never asked me what I would like to do! Therefore, the keyword responsibility- begs the question, Can he walk away without being linked to her hip? Yes, he can. Should he stand by his responsibility to woman. Not necessarily, but to his unborn child a partaker in all of the decision making and results is to be made as an accomplished and reasonable effort for all. Finally, in answer to your question Why are they disregarded? They decided that one!!!

  4. I too am anxious to hear what the men have to say.
    My son’s father walked of his own volition — we were actually engaged until he learned I was pregnant — leaving me in the hands of my parents. My dad never had a cross word for him, only asked that he contribute financially to resolving the problem. Which was going to be sending me to a maternity home, until boyfriend got himself an attorney who threatened me and my dad into accepting a much lesser amount in exchange for letting him off the hook. He knew an abortion was not an option (illegal then and I was too far along anyway). He never tried to find out what happened: if our baby was a boy or girl, if I had kept him or not.
    I am for fathers’ rights, but they have to want them.

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